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BPA Scare Campaign Exposed - How to Profit from Non-Profits | Truth or Scare

2010-05-06T00:58:00.000-07:00

BPA Scare Campaign Exposed - How to Profit from Non-Profits | Truth or Scare

oprah and fiends

2008-04-04T22:45:00.000-07:00

I often do this thing called "testing the bruise".

I think about something that hurts to see how much it hurts.

When I was dragging through the mud of a really rotten breakup, I would think about her in many combinations of other guys, etc. That's when I came up with testing the bruise.

So, to test the bruise in my tolerance of bullshit, I listen to Oprah and Friends aka Oprah and Fiends on XM Radio. One is treated to a stream of diarrhea-like bullshit nearly 24 hours a day. A course in miracles, some asshole making people feel bad because their closets aren't organized and the big O herself with a cock named Eckhard Tolle.

Apparently, he's written some life-changing book and they're doing a ten week series consisting of Oprah and Adolph Tolle going through all the chapters of his book.

What it really is, mainly, is two stoners sitting around reading Richard Bach and doing bong hits. (I have first hand information about what this is like, by the way). The Tolle guy will spout some aphorism and she'll "translate".

Remember the scene in Animal House?

"... you mean there could be an entire universe inside my thumbnail?"

That's basically what the hour consists of.

Today, on "testing the bruise", they talked about being present and in the now and how if you were present or in the now, the future and the past became unimportant. And then, Oprah and Adolph immediately began talking about the past, how not being present in the past was bad, and the future... how they could use this principle to handle situations in the future. This coming on the heels of living in a way that you wouldn't know what the future held. "The next time you're at a family gathering and your sister begins giving you a hard time..." that sort of thing...

It completely killed my robot.

One of the things that assholes do is create their own language and this asshole is no different. He talks about the "Pain Body" and then... fuck, I don't fucking know... some bullshit.

You know, I'm all for self examination... I AM BLOGGING, FOR FUCKS SAKE, RIGHT? So I don't mind being self-indulgent. OBVIOUSLY. But... I'm not as big of an asshole as that asshole.

A woman called to basically aks permission to mourn the death of her father six years ago. Asshole Tolle said something like "you sound like you're dealing with it in a healthy way..." and I knew he was a dick.

Back to the matter at hand... making up bullshit.

Assholes do this thing. They put words together in interesting ways and it's mistaken for being enlightening. All they're doing is poetry... using the language in an interesting way. But if you're bored with your life or stoned or trying to sell books, it's spiritual.

So, at dinner tonight, with the help of the bride, I wrote the following things for you fine people to think about to get your miserable lives back on track. Okay? You can paypal the money to dean at mightycheese dotcom, okay?

Here we go, my flock:
Choose the colors of your silences.

Remove the objects you've attached to your fears.

True happiness lies in the distance between breaths.

Knowledge isn't the vocation of happiness, it's the location of happiness.

Wisdom doesn't lie in the faith of knowledge. Wisdom lies in the knowledge of faith.

We become more human when we discover the value of change.

You are capable of outstanding if you are capable of understanding.

The value of change is priceless and yet change is free.

Removing "all" from challenge leaves you with "change". The extra e is for extra pee.
(that's for those who remember channel j)

To lead an exceptional life, we must follow an exceptional path.

variations:
To lead an exceptional life, we must follow an exceptional leader.
To lead an exceptional life, we must lead with no exception.

Life is about the grace of the approach and the approach of grace.

Your eyes will only deceive if your eyes are unable to receive.

Learning lies in the choices you make with your time and what time makes of your choices.

When we are passionate about our grace, we will gracefully discover our passion.

Expect the appearance of miracles where you accept the appearance of miracles.

I feel dirty.

It's so easy and the fucked thing is that when I look at some of them, I think "hey, that's pretty good..."

I forgot this..

I sorta made fun of this in a movie a long time ago: "It's not how far you go, it's how go you far." AHEAD OF MY FUCKING TIME!!! I'M LIVING IN THE PAST!!! HOW IS THAT GOING TO AFFECT MY FUTURE!!!! SAVE ME, OPRAH!!!!

I'll send you Kool-Aid for 10 bucks. dean at mightycheese dot com

the end

2008-04-02T19:04:00.001-07:00

or the beginning...

so very cool

2008-03-17T18:31:00.001-07:00

You've probably seen this:

The Atheist Apocalypse

me and matt damon

2008-03-14T21:52:00.001-07:00

Me and my good friend, A mister Matthew J. Damon:

tater-hole

2008-03-14T18:36:00.001-07:00

The first few times I saw this billboard, I would do a doubletake, literally, because I thought the O was an anus. I'm wondering if it's some very clever ad... You know...the character in the "O" (i'm guessing a guy in a fat-suit doing a modern day minstrel act) is an asshole or something.

Maybe not. Like I always say, I'm an optimist when it comes to others.

But really, if you drive by a poster or a billboard with this ad, I defy you to not think it looks like a tater-hole.

Or is it just the 15 year old nitwit inside of me?

make money on the internet, aks me how!

2008-03-06T16:16:00.000-08:00

Hippies will tell you that the big bad evil drug companies aka 'big pharma' will lie and cheat and use deceptive practices to sell you their evil drugs but don't understand that the natural medicines aka poppycock aka homeopathy use the most deceptive tactic which is 'you will probably get better if it's not serious'.

So, when you ingest their magical water, you get better. And, since it's magical water, you don't feel anything like you do with NyQuil which doesn't make you better, it just makes you wasted so you don't care how crappy you feel. Since you don't feel anything you call it 'non-invasive'. The truth is, it's so non-invasive that there's no invasion. There's not even an army. I just extended that too far. Sorry.

Where was I? I'm talking about Airborne, one of the most recent bits of poppycock to hit the stands.

They just got spanked after being investigated for their claim that it cured colds or if you took it when you feel a cold coming on, you'd feel better within 3 days.

I'll get to the cool part in a second, but let's look at the claim, first.

If you feel a cold coming on... a mild cold, you're going to feel differently in three days. You may feel worse, but if it's a mild cold, you'll feel better. Either way, the poppycock is counting on you not remembering the miss; the feeling worse part, but you will most definitely remember feeling better if you've taken something. It's called a confirmation bias which means you will remember the stuff that confirms your beliefs. You'd also probably allow a couple days. If you felt better after 4 days, you'd give Airborne the credit.

Airborne's claim isn't that amazing.

If you began to feel sick, came over to my home and I put on a heavy pair of boots with some dull spikes on the top, hauled back and kicked you in the crotch as hard as humanly (not to be confused with humanely) possible, your cold would be gone within a week. Your cold symptoms would begin clearing up within a few days.

Yes, your teeth would still be chattering from the pain and you'd label my brand of medicine as ultra-invasive, but your wussified little cold wouldn't seem so bad and it would be clearing up, too.

I've digressed. And how.

Airborne is currently shelling out over 23 MILLION BUCKS because their claims are misleading. They're still going to be able to sell their magic nothing but the word COLD is going to be conspicuously absent from the package.

The ballsiest thing they did was say that they did a double blind, placebo controlled study but the company who did the study was a two person organization formed to do the study. The study was on the two guys who did the study. ABC News says "There was no clinic, no scientist and no doctors."

That, my friends, is award winning ballsiness!

What is maddening is that if Pfizer had done this sort of thing, hippies would be losing their minds, storming the offices of the FDA (who I'm not a fan of, make no mistake) while screaming "YOU KILL CHILDREN! YOU WANT CHILDREN TO DIE!!! YOU HATE CHILDREN! YOU ARE A NAZI PEDOPHILE WHO HATES CHILDREN!!!" or some other statement.

I skimmed over the messages on ABC until I felt my brain turning to mush and apparently, the presence of 'Big Pharma' is, by its very nature deceptive and evil, but when a tiny independent company like Airborne actually do something deceptive, it's okay.

Sure, Airborne brings in 200 million bucks a year, but that's nothing compared to 'Big Pharma'.

Well, here's my 'two wrongs make a right solution':

Airborne has been ordered to refund 23 million dollars. If you don't have a receipt, you can still claim up to 6 boxes @ 10.50 each.

I am. Maybe you'll lie and cheat with me. I'm embarassed and ashamed but I think an extra 70 bucks will be nice. Actually, I have a couple of addresses, so it's probably going to be more like 140 bucks. I think the IIG or randi.org might be getting some cash.

It just depends on how long I GET MY SETTLEMENT!!!! I WANT MY SETTLEMENT!!!

ABC NEWS

phone cleaning

2008-03-05T17:24:00.001-08:00

Victor backstage in tucson after i told him about gary coleman's excellent audition.

why

2008-03-05T14:10:00.001-08:00

Yeah!!!!!!

glamour

2008-02-03T17:12:00.001-08:00

This is the glamour of the commercial audition. Much like the viet nam airlift but with middle aged women wearing aprons and hair nets because they think it will give them the edge over the competition for the cafeteria lady part. I've been here over an hour so i think i make money which will never match the humiliation. At least it. Hasn't been raining non stop for as long as i can remember. Oh.

Thank You. Thank You. Thank You.

2008-01-16T16:56:00.000-08:00

I would like to thank the cunts from Jet Blue and/or the TSA who stole the computer bag with the two computers used for the Nigerian Spam Scam from my suitcase. I hope you enjoy the computers and the cables and couplers I also use for Coreyoke.

I hope that you continue working your shitty job where you can justify stealing stuff from people who work. I hope the drugs you're buying with my shit make you feel better about your miserable fucking life.

I would also like to offer you two free tickets to see Jewtopia you motherfucking cunts.

Die.

FUCK JEWTOPIA IN THE NECK

2008-01-14T20:08:00.000-08:00

Jewtopia,

Wow!

Getting a show produced is near impossible. You did it.
Running sold-out in L.A. is an extraordinary feat. You did it.
Getting produced off-broadway is unheard of. You did that.
Setting a record like "Longest running off-broadway show" is, well, record setting. You did it.
Franchising a show; having several productions running simultaneously around the U.S. is a goal many have and few attain. You have, several times.
Some people spend their entire lives trying to get a book deal. You've done that.
Having your play produced as a feature film *and* being able to play the parts you wrote for yourself could be said to be impossible, but you were able to do that.

It's great that all of these things have happened for you. If my show, The Nigerian Spam Scam Scam, achieved just one of those, I would consider it an enormous suck-cess.

I'm nearly honored that we are represented (for now) by the same booking agency.

But...

By not showing up at the bookers conference because it "wasn't worth your time" and having the agency show a crappy DVD you cleared the room. Literally.

When the evening began, the room had a dozen or so venue reps. Your DVD, shot on a consumer grade camera consisting of you talking about how suck-cessful your obvious and pandering piece of shit is, had the reps heading for the aisles.

Three reps from one theater toughed it out and stayed to see SpamScam.

Jewtopia, you don't know me. I don't know you. You don't care about me or my stupid little piece of shit show. It's obvious that you don't give a fuck about anything besides you and your collection of crappy skits, but if there is some way for me to make your life worse, I most certainly will.

I'm not going to dwell on it. I won't pursue it. I'm not going to give you another thought after I press "publish post"... but if somewhere, somehow, the opportunity to fuck you over so you miss out on a years worth of shows presents itself, I will. I will fuck your fucking piece of rotten and obvious shit show up.

Strap in.

spontaneous

2008-01-13T04:12:00.001-08:00

Streets O' Napa: The kind of spontaneous publicity we need to get head. Or something.

wow

2008-01-12T19:17:00.000-08:00

that napa show was great. holy crap.

i realized that thing penn jillette talks about is so true:

audiences in l.a., ny and to an extent, the fringe fest, are jaded and, much like myself, generally have seen more crap than good.

the audiences who come to see us, haven't filtered the crap we have and aren't jaded and instead of preparing oneself for crap, are prepared to have a great time.

playing l.a. is like swinging a lead bat. not that these audiences are "rubes" or anything by a longshot. they're just not assholes like me.

it makes for great shows, that's for sure.

i bet i could learn something if i thought about it for a second.

off to nyc.

back in a day or something.

sheesh.

backstage napa valley

2008-01-11T19:38:00.001-08:00

Last show before we go to nyc.

oh my

2007-12-25T00:13:00.000-08:00

i'm 45. hmmm.

it's a good thing.

i never thought i'd be 45.

who knew?

What Do I Know

2007-12-20T01:37:00.000-08:00

Email to current web client.

Hello young internet moguls..

I would like you two to mull something over. (No, I'm not going to suggest you don't sell stuff. I think you *should* sell stuff.) Take some time to toss it around before even thinking about a yes or no. Give it a day or so... Discuss... Call me... Write me...

Also, I'm not going to insult you and write "In my opinion" before each sentence as we are adults and should know that OF COURSE IT'S MY OPINION!!!! And another thing. I figure you know everything I'm saying. It's not meant to be condescending (that means "talk down to") but just to.. you know... make points or something.

Ado no further - my thoughts:

What I know about The Internets:

Attention spans are short. Everything is free. Quality is rewarded.

And, as evidenced by the three previous sentences: sweeping generalizations are the norm.

1. Quality is rewarded:

Google makes great stuff. Google hires the best people, lets them work the way they want to work yet expect their products to be better than anyone else's. Even if the general public don't like or use a product. If you do any thinking about web services (I do quite a bit of it) and you think about google, you know that their stuff is going to be awesome and will only get better. And, if they do happen to make something that sucks ass in the bad way, they'll cop to it and either remove it or make it better. They've created an empire.

I imagine that this is somewhat the way you're going to operate your site. You'll be attracting the best and the brightest and let the crap float away or be improved upon. The "brand" will then be ass-ociated with quality. The folks who make crap will then be too intimidated to approach you and the best and brightest will be more inclined to use you as a web distribution channel.

Thinking about google vs. Microsoft, (who I also admire, actually), you see a huge difference. Microsoft seems byzantine, costly, corporate in the worst sense and bureaucratic vs. google's streamlined, simple, consumer-friendly and generally "nice" image. It's even reflected on their web sites. Trying to locate something at Microsoft is an exercise in clicking. Google's home page has their main feature prominently displayed and all of their other stuff readily available. It's soooo sweet.

2. Everything is free.

Right or wrong, this is the case. Your site is being built in Ruby, a free, open-source programming language. We considered building in PHP, another free, open source language. The cool thing about open source software is that many of the creators do it so you can use their free stuff to make money. What people who pirate software and music (dude, music wants to be free...) don't seem to get is that it costs money to create something of value. Even more important, quality is rewarded. But, there's a difficulty in trying to get what you deserve. It's a tough PR position. Look at Google vs. Microsoft. Metallica vs. Radiohead.

Selling music and film online is tough. No one's really figured it out. NBC just left iTunes and as peer to peer software gets easier to work, the average person is not going to see the point in paying for premium content.

I acted in a "series" for superdeluxe. They have budgets (small) and attract good talent. Their stuff is, as that annoying mattress guy says "FREE!!!"

YouTube. Revver. MySpace and all those other online video places. Free.

The numbers in Smut, the industry that created the internet, are beginning to drop because of all of the free smut content online. redtube, megarotic, pornotube and at least sixty bazillion other sites all contain free, current naughtiness of the highest caliber.

Waaayyyy back in 1998, you could make a million bucks a year posting 50 shots of a naked chick a month and charge a 49.99/month subscription fee. The market has been glutted so they're doing daily live chats, blowjob giveaways and more. (or so I hear. as a mormon child of jesus, I shun all pornography and all of satan's temptations such as women in general)

Which is why premium content has got to be really, really, really premium.

3. Attention spans are short.

The sites that are the most popular are the ones where you get in, get what you want and get out.

Google: "i need all the web addresses of lesbian goth golf clubs in downtown san francisco"

IMDB: "who won the best sound editor oscar the year i was born"

deancameron.com: "when was i born?"

Lots of clicking around and hoop jumping is a turn-off. There is an entire industry now devoted to making it so the user doesn't have to read instructions or click too many times.

My point... Finally...

I suggest you start out offering a subscription area instead of a per-unit sale model.

There are lots of reasons to do this. And, obviously, I think they outweigh the reasons to use a per-unit model or I wouldn't have written this stupid-long email.

You can keep a cache of content. It will make your site sticky instead of people being bombarded with an enormous list of the same stuff each and every time they come to you.

Instead of spending hours and hours setting prices, product IDs, remembering how to tag each film etc. you tag something for sale or not for sale.

Same for keeping track of sales. Say the site earns $500 in february, you make your disbursement equally among your content providers. Ass-uming you planned on paying your providers once they hit a certain amount, you won't have to keep track of 2 dollar pay periods. You end every pay period free and clear with each one of your providers.

If someone's not selling, you don't want them stuck on your site with their stale content. You can keep them on the free area or set them a-sea.

Yes, of course it's easier to program but not that much. The difference in the time you'll spend maintaining it will be night and day. Hours a month vs. hours per day.

Once the site begins going gangbusters you move to a per-item model. It's done all the time.

As a matter of fact... tightcircle was a money-making venture because people grew to love the service which wasn't even understood when it began so much that $36/year was worth it to them. And that trust from the users to the service was one of the things attracting the folks who ended up buying tightcircle (and subsequently not doing a damned thing with it...)

Subscription will also motivate your providers to pimp the site all the time and provide great stuff. You might want to make the numbers available to them. If they see someone getting 1 download to their 20, pressure will be put on the 1 download guy to step it up instead of the 1 download guy saying "aw screw it... i'll just leave the thing up there. someone's bound to buy it someday... what do I care?" I know how gossipy the comedy world is. If everyone's participating in everyone's profit, everyone will push harder. Reward it.

So that's that... Make sense? It's quite late now, so it may have gone off into a miasma of madness.

"penisole"?

2007-12-11T23:31:00.000-08:00

I feel as if I must preface this with a disclaimer about how I sometimes read spam email but then I think if I do preface this with a disclaimer (which I'm actually doing but you don't notice because I'm sneaky like that, people) I will be "protesting too much" like someone who keeps bringing up how their ex means nothing to them.

Without further ado - Penisole - as translated by a retarded virtual english as a third language robot program from another country with no technology.

If I'd know women like vamps, my life would be very different. I wouldn't have so much tensity^*.

Again - Penisole:

Pinisole is possessed of great advantages. Pinisole change not only physical imperfection but also the internal state of a man. He becomes more self-confident, courageous and out-going. No more uneasiness and tensity^*.
Pinisole will give you an opportunity to experience greater orgasms. With Pinisole your partner will be able to get more powerful and frequent sexual pleasure because of deeper penetration of your penis. Be ready to raze from your memory about losing erection in the middle of coitus.
According to researches concerning penis enlargement it was ascertained that the penis can grow as well as any of other muscles.

What can I get and experience?

- Side effects are not putting to inconvenience!
- There is no surgical operation!
- There are no physical exercises!
- There are no pumps!
- Penis Length is increasing by 1-4 Inches! Penis Width is increasing by 20%!
- Erection is becoming harder and stronger!
- Premature ejaculation is stopping!

Big Penis! What psychological advantages does it have?

In general, women like vamps. They always look for a male and they know how to do it and what things should be in norm, especially what is below the belt.
Having big penis you have big confident. Your eyes are full of sexual energy and readiness to subjugate the fair sex. You are not afraid to fail. Women see it and they choose such kind of men.
Big penis is a significant and serious 'weapon'. It is a great man advantage! If you have big penis your woman will be proud of it more than you!
So, if you have any problems with women, if you are afraid of women's attention, if you are become nervous, short-tempered and hot-temper because of small penis and low confidence you should use penis enlargement. It is your chance to make your lover feel unreal sexual pleasure. It is your chance to amaze her by the width, length, firmness, elasticity, hardness of your penis.
Everything will be fine! Just don't become unsociable. Become determined! Big penis is big advantage. It can be your advantage.

Don't become unsociable. Become determined.
Big penis is big advantage.

Until next time. You'll recognize me because I will be the one with my eyes filled with sexual energy and readiness to subjugate the fair sex.

Great

2007-12-06T13:32:00.000-08:00

Geniuses walk among us:

http://klaus.cz/klaus2/asp/clanek.asp?id=80siXjsMcOx2

life as we know it

2007-11-23T19:20:00.000-08:00

back when patrick labyorteaux, stuart fratkin and i were up in canaduh doing ski school, they rented nintendo systems. stuart and i got hooked on mario 2. when we got back to l.a. we got the latest nintendo with mario 3.

fortunately for us, stuart and i landed the outer space show and were able to play nintendo while earning thousands of dollars a week. else we would've been destitute within a month. we actually had a month before we began shooting where we were sorta lame ducks as we knew we'd be working for 7 months, so we took that time to just play nintendo. stuart even named his production company 'p-wing productions' in honor of, well, the p-wing in super mario brothers.

i never really liked other video games.

then patrick labyorteaux got me doom one year for my birthday. i spent all of january playing doom. i hurt my knee because i didn't move from the chair in front of my computer for a month. seriously.

then i removed the game from my computer and vowed to never get a video game system ever again, else i ruin my life. i've seen some of the games around and they look so insane and complicated. i played half life for 8 hours straight but also ultimately felt annoyed by it because there was no real 'end'. maybe i'm wrong.

the point...

last year jessie and i played 'guitar hero' at a friend's house. i was smitten. so was she. but i was able to resist.

we went to a party the other day and they had it there and, well...

no more.

today, in honor of black friday and capitalism, we got ourselves a playstation 2 with guitar hero3. i'm buying #2 off a friend of mine. i'm hopeful (see other post) that the bride and i will spend more time with each other. at least we'll be in the same room, playing guitar hero with each other.

but, this is just to say goodbye. i doubt i'll be doing anything else with my life until the bank comes for the house and we have to stop playing because the electricity is shut off.

it's also good that i have yet another thing that is killing my wrists/fingers/forearms. i'm not carpal enough, people.

in other news, the bride made the best thanksgiving meal i've yet to have. perfect turkey, potatoeeooes, stuffing, gravy, green beans. nothing fancy. she said her goal was to keep everything basic and all she used, basically, for seasoning was butter.

her mom baked two pies that killed us and that's unimportant because i must to play guitar hero until six a.m.

farewell. farewell.

speaking of tasteless... i got a happening text message from someone who shall remain nameless. it said "so and so died two years ago. let's take a moment to remember him. and don't forget to come to my club tonight. these bands will be playing:" and then listed some bands and other reasons to come to the club.

fascinating.

good one

2007-11-16T23:16:00.001-08:00

Well that new jersey show was a delight. The man forced to drive us, Alex, was really cool and made even better. We're at LAX now, waiting for our ride. On our way soon. Yay!

spirit airlines

2007-11-16T23:11:00.001-08:00

Spirit Air: Our Seats Are Cheap Because We Don't Have 'Em.

new jersey

2007-11-16T23:08:00.003-08:00

Dressing room at richard stockton college. Nov 15 2007.

backstage II Electric Boogaloo

2007-11-16T23:08:00.001-08:00

Victor in stockton dressing room

reminded

2007-11-15T19:12:00.000-08:00

Someone commented about the evil "lose/loose" travesty.

It hurts me so much I couldn't put it in the pedant post. Sorry.

But you are sooooo utterly right. (Udderly!!!! aaaaahhhhhhgghhh!)

Seeing "I hope the writers don't loose too much money during this strike."

Speaking of plurals.

AN APOSTROPHE DOES NOT INDICATE A PLURAL!!!

Oy.

Remember: I don't think that people are more stupid than they used to be. I just think that we're seeing more writing from people than we used to. So the same number of spelling mistakes are being made; we just have access to them now.

pure fame

2007-11-13T20:07:00.000-08:00

http://intraweb.stockton.edu/pac/indexmain.asp

I TOLD THEM "SPAM SCAM THEN HUNDRED YEARS OF BROADWAY!!!"

affect/effect

2007-11-11T14:48:00.000-08:00

I shudder inside when people use language incorrectly. I'm sure I use words incorrectly but since I don't know that I'm using them incorrectly I get a free pass. Sometimes ignorance is the best defense.

Irregardless: my list of words/phrases that make me shudder.

irregardless
aks
less instead of fewer
hopefully
effect for affect
impact for affect
impact for effect
shutter for shudder

Let's discuss...

irregardless. there's no such word. fun to use among others who understand that it's not a word.
aks. ditto

less things can't be counted individually

"don't take less than 10 trojans to parumph" is a no-no.
"you'll have less fun if you don't take enough trojans to parumph" is correct (and true)

fewer things are counted one by one

"don't take fewer than 10 trojans to parumph"

you will go nuts when dealing with money and time

i have less than 500 dollars is correct

i have less than 500 dollars is incorrect if you're speaking of the actual dollar bills.

i have less than 500 dollar bills is not correct.
i have fewer than 500 dollars is incorrect

i have fewer than 500 dollars is correct if you're speaking of the actual dollar bills.

i have fewer than 500 dollar bills is correct.
it's similar when speaking of time.
if you're not sure which to use, apply it to each instance and the one that sounds correcter probably is.

hopefully is often confused with hopeful or full of hope. most pedants on the internets agree that the battle for hopefully has been lost.

this is how it's often used:

hopefully, google will hit 1000/share within the next couple of months.

what's meant is:

"i'm hopeful that google hits 1000/share..." or "i hope google hits 1000/share..."

hopefully can be used correctly and incorrectly in the same sentence. consider:

hopefully, i'm going to the meeting tomorrow.

one means to say

"It's possible i have a meeting tomorrow and i hope it comes through."

but one is actually saying

"i will be going to the meeting tomorrow full of hope that they greenlight ski school 3 through 10".

so "hopefully, i'm reading for the part of dysart in the corey haim production of equus' is correct if you mean you are auditioning for dr. dysart.

my brain hurts

affect/effect will rip your brain out. the general, easy method to remember is that

affect is to do

not brushing will affect my breath

effect is to have done

the effect of not brushing was my crappy breath

impact in place of affect and effect looks like it's a lost battle as well. i think it's because talk show hosts can't remember the affect/effect difference and impact has replaced them. the verb impact means hit the noun means a collision . an impact does affect what it impacts, but that must means it had an effect, not that it had an impact. make sense? you hear me, cnn?
a shudder is your reaction when the cat lady upstairs doesn't close her shutters at night.

by the way, capitalization is for suckers. i capitalize when i feel like it, okay?

from david lawrence

2007-11-09T13:00:00.000-08:00

this is great:

This is a dangerous email for me to send out.

Why?

Because I happen to know a thing or two about how to make money on the
Internet, and I'm concerned that if I speak my mind and voice an unpopular
position, I will suffer at the hands of my fellow performers.

Ironically, I'm writing this from my hotel room in Las Vegas, having just
spoken at BlogWorld on the need for podcasters to hone their craft and find
their natural voices - to be more professional at what they do.

But...I've made my living as a talk show host and talking head for years,
taking positions that, to me, make eminent sense, yet to others seem
counterintuitive. And I've also figured out ways to make several millions of
dollars on the Internet over the last 15 years or so, affording me a unique
perspective on what works, what doesn't and why (thanks, Howard Fine!) -
along with what will work in the future.

So, here goes.

I'm saddened and angered that the WGA has gone on strike. I think the WGA
strike, and the approach to these contract negotiations, have been the wrong
way to fight the wrong battle. I think they've squandered any goodwill they
had in this negotiation by picking the wrong area over which to have a
fight. And the danger goes far deeper than that, as my other unions echo
WGA's chants.

Let me explain.

No one, I repeat, no one, is making real money on the Internet with
webisodic content right now. I'm always amazed that anyone is willing to pay
me, other actors, writers and other performers to be in webisodics - and I'm
on a fair number of well-known and well-respected webisodic series myself.
Please watch Goodnight Burbank and Infected on Revision3. Save the ones
artificially monetized as a blatant corporate sales tool (I'm happily in
Pepsi/Mountain Dew's Cyberpunx, taking SAG-level pay), none is making any
money.

None.

Few are spending money - actors are working for free, green screen rooms are
begged, borrowed or stolen, cameras and cinematographers are being cajoled
into supporting their fellow performer, but very few dollars are being
spent. Most of the breakdowns we see for these shows are copy, credit and
meals. The rare payments to performers in this space are welcome and
cherished.

You know I'm right. You've seen Actor's Access, Now Casting and LA Casting.

It's all a big experiment, with relatively few real production dollars at
risk and none coming back in return. People are dabbling. And spending very
little producing to receive absolutely nothing in income. Zip. Nada.

The income side is just as abysmal. If you're producing content for the
Internet, for YouTube and that ilk, if you're aggressive, you can count on a
few dollars in subscription fees (I own ShowTaxi.com, so I see the numbers)
and even less in advertising dollars. We're talking pennies here. And not
per play.

So the Internet's Emperor currently has no clothes (or food or shelter, for
that matter). And if we're honest with ourselves, we must ask: why fight for
money that doesn't exist? And (this is where you'll have to trust that I
know what I'm talking about) - WON'T exist for several contract cycles.

My problem is, I've suffered through this righteous indignation on the part
of my unions before. And I didn't speak up. I regret that.

See, a few years ago, AFTRA pulled a similar stunt, negotiating what they
thought was a very progressive victory: a triple session fee for a performer
if a performer's commercial appeared on the Internet. Great, you say? We
AFTRA performers all make more money, you say?

No. Not even close.

It resulted in the ad agencies that produced the spots simply refusing to
authorize Internet play of those spots, and forced radio stations to
drastically change their online automation playback, and to blank out those
spots with AFTRA performances in their live streams with public domain
classical music. So AFTRA performers never got paid that hard fought triple
session fee, and AFTRA unnecessarily burdened every commercial radio station
in America.

The current landscape in Internet production of video, audio, Flash, YouTube
videos and the like, is still, and will remain so for the next several
years, a speculative one, and one with no foreseeable income.

Why?

Here's why. While the public loves to consume online content, no one has
successfully gotten them to pay for it. No model has emerged, including
subscription and advertising, that generates even the most meager incomes on
the most runaway popular videos.

And when does emerge, like iTunes, it gets called not a godsend, and what
consumers want and are willing to pay for. No. It gets labeled "the ruin of
the music industry" by NBC/Universal's leadership in their zeal to maintain
outmoded budgets. Slap.

This is the important fact: the most outrageously successful videos on the
biggest outlet online, YouTube, generate 7-figure plays, and low 2 and 3
figure *monthly* incomes, with short-attention-span shelf life of a few
months at best, as users find the next darling to virally spread. And no one
is madly clicking on the ads on YouTube pages or anywhere else. How many
times have you left a video playback page on YouTube by clicking on an ad?

I find myself shaking my head in rueful concern over next summer's actor's
contract negotiations when I see my SAG leader, Alan Rosenberg, sending me
an email stating that "their fight (WGA's) is our fight."

Let me be very clear. I loved him as the alcoholic lawyer on The Guardian a
few years back on CBS, but here, today, Rosenberg is dead wrong, and he is
endangering our chances to negotiate proper and real increases in our pay
rates and health benefits. He is doing so in favor of chasing after the
Internet market. There is no Internet market to fight over yet. There is no
market in the foreseeable future on the Internet.

Certainly, he and others are distracted by the fact that some websites like
YouTube and Facebook have moronic, emotion-filled capital valuations the
likes of which haven't been seen since the dot-com bust, but none are making
money, and none have the near- or mid-term potential to make the kind of
money that merits those valuations. Thankfully they're not individual public
companies, and today's Henry Blodgetts can't hype them to death on the
markets.

Unfortunately, what those websites do have is the ability to take viewers
away from network and cable TV, and what have been very, very lucrative
network audience and ad dollars, but darn the luck...they don't replace the
lost network ad money with online ad money. And no one running these
websites are telling the truth on that - it would harm their negotiations to
be bought by the likes of Microsoft, Google or Yahoo.

No, it's just the same old romantic dot-com hype the mainstream press has
been known for since they started covering the Internet, cluelessly, in the
90's. And in the end, the Internet's really just another delivery mechanism,
another wire, with a more painful-to-watch output point (gather the family
around the computer monitor?), not an incredible new market place.

Not yet.

And to make matters even worse, the mainstream media, in their zeal to cover
sites like Napster, BitTorrent and Kazaa with such glowing admiration, has
trained a whole generation of users to steal, or at the very least, expect
everything to be free. That means that if a market does emerge, we have some
really damaging speed bumps in getting the public to pay and advertisers to
pay.

That, so far, has been the reality for the folks on the other side of the
negotiating table.

Certainly for some producers and writers, they might make money with very
little outlay by making a great piece online, creating a demand for that
creative work via viral success, then selling the series as DVDs or by
creating series that air on traditional channels. That's self production.
That's creating your own content, so go negotiate with yourself. Most of the
people producing webisodes now are doing so, hoping they'll hit a home
run...and a network will notice. That's not revolutionary at all. It's what
indie artists have been doing for years on the music side of things.

So the WGA, our acting and performance membership, outspoken activist
celebrities and our Guild and Federation leadership are, to me, out walking
the picket lines, encouraging us to do the same, posturing themselves and
our futures over a vast empty wasteland that currently is being experimented
with - to no predictable success.

I believe that we are far too early in the infancy of this delivery
mechanism to be defiantly sticking our chins out, demanding money that
doesn't exist, when DVD sales and on-demand cable plays are clearly
demonstrable and are far more lucrative to producers and distributors, and
from which we should be able to extract a more reasonable percentage. My
advice? Go back to the table, demand to rework the DVD and VOD formulas and
keep an eye on the Net over the next few years, looking for real income, but
don't throw down the precious gauntlet over it.

I believe that if the WGA gets what they want, they'll find that they fought
over hardly anything, and squandered an opportunity to do something useful
for their membership.

And before the conspiracy theories start, I am no shill for the producers. I
believe that you train people how to treat you and how well to remunerate
you - and that we, as performers, are usually woefully underpaid. We deserve
as much money as we are willing to demand and that the other side is willing
to pay.

But in saying all this, I fear that some of you will shun me as that smart
ass capitalist Ayn Randian objectivist Ruth's Chris steak-eating barbarian
who doesn't grasp the fundamentals of what it's like to be a struggling
artist. And there, you would be correct, right up to the "doesn't grasp..."
part of that sentence. I struggle every day as an actor, a writer, a
filmmaker, a voice talent and more. But those of you know know me, know that
I often find a way to success, especially on the Internet.

Not, however, as a webisodic producer. There's no money in it. Yet.

So there we are. What do I do?

Do I keep silent, knowing that if I speak my mind, from what I consider to
be a very informed position of first hand knowledge, I could be ostracized
by my fellow performers? Or do I clearly and succinctly speak up, hoping
someone, somewhere in the WGA leadership receives this message as a forward,
even a "can you believe how stupid this guy is?" forward, and changes their
tactics to deal with the real and pressing issues they have?

I've made up my mind. Here goes:

I support the troops, but I don't support the war.

I support my fellow writers' quest for better pay and better benefits, but I
do not support the WGA strike over Internet production I think it is a
mistake to get wrapped around the axle on demanding monies for Internet
usage. And, I believe that not only should the WGA take this demand off the
table, I believe that if SAG and AFTRA pick up this fight next summer, they
will be doing all of their members, including me, a grave disservice. The
producers will balk, knowing there really, really, really is no money to be
shared, and will not be willing to capitulate. And then we'll strike, and we
will all waste more time on the picket lines, labeling our employers
incorrectly as being "unfair".

There.

I urge you to pass this on to others in our community. And I welcome your
comments, screams, threats and more at 888-488-DAVID. You can also send your
email to me here or at davidlawrence@aol.com.

Thanks.

David Lawrence

I look forward to hearing the tales of the death threats and weeping "what am i going to do!?!" emails to him.

pretty coolishnesstein.

2007-11-04T01:00:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wNqCSvo1aK8

7-11

2007-10-26T09:50:00.001-07:00

I go away for a week and 7-11 raises their coffee price by a dime, throwing everything off, change-wise.

2007-10-23T18:20:00.000-07:00

AND NOW ANOTHER EPISODE OF:

THE MANDY PATINKIN HOUR!!

Our favorite THEM SONG is HEARD:
MANNNNNDEEE PATINKIN MANDEEEE PATINKIN MANNDEEEE MANDEEEE MANDEEE PATINKINNNNNNN

FADE IN:

BARE STAGE - NIGHT A luminescent black GRAND PIANO. PAUL, the hen-pecked, nervous, wiry, PIANIST, adjusts his impeccably greased COMB-OVER and begins an intro with a dazzling flourish. MANDY PATINKIN, has finished removing the NY Yankees cap worn during his crowd pleasing "Sports Medley" and tosses it, as if unrehearsed, O.S. to ROMAN, his DRESSER, who just happened to be the first man legally married in the United States. The beautiful piano music plays as Patinkin pours himself water from the pitcher on the table next to his stool. He turns a page on his music stand, squeezes two exact squeezes of lemon into the water and holds his right hand up, just as the intro finishes.

MANDY PATINKIN:

Paul... Paul... stop... stop... go back... Sorry, ladies and gentlemen... Paul understands, don't you, Paul... If I don't take that breath and dig in to what I think Mister Styne was feeling that brisk spring day, then I... well... let's just let the song speak or "sing", rather, for itself... shall we?

(Patinkin takes a long, deep breath. Levels a gaze at the audience just long enough to make everyone truly uncomfortable. Then...)

Paul... count it in, sir....

backstage II

2007-10-22T14:39:00.001-07:00

Electric Conicl

night 3

2007-10-20T19:56:00.001-07:00

Final night in Tucson, AZ. One of up has their priorities straight. Who can sit still with all the ADD going around these days?

exciting backstage world of showbiz

2007-10-19T19:54:00.001-07:00

Victor and me 15 mins before curtain. Good luck, Macbeth!

Hello Tucson

2007-10-17T23:38:00.000-07:00

I used to live here the first half of third grade. Then my mom packed us up in her VW bug and we moved to beautiful Oklahoma City.

We're doing spamscam here for three nights. There's a nice, full page article in the local l.a. weakly type paper, which is excellent and the nice interviewer used some of my better "quips" like the one about how if I had been sitting around bored on the Mister Sterling set in the 70's I would've been out of my mind on blow instead of screwing with a Nigerian 419 scammer via email.

We're downtown, so it's sorta remeniscent of the dreaded Minneapolis experience. If we happen to tank here, the outlook is not good.

We rented a PLANET KILLING SUV BECAUSE WE'RE EVIL to drive here. I started nodding off almost immediately so I got Victor to take over and he drove the entire way. Very cool beans.

Going to play the new audio clips at the end of the show. They're not really integrated, but it will be a cool experiment. I think I have a fairly good template for Spamscam II. Not sure. Hope so.

If I don't get all lazy over the next few weeks, I can have it at fighting weight for the New Jersey show.

Speaking of shows....

Coreyoke is killing. Our audience doubled this past week. We took bribes to bring people up. It was insane. We're going to have to sign peeps up before we start and lock the list. Great problems to have. Really, really very cool.

There have been some excellent folks who have been showing up from day one who helped it along as we limped along. Steve, Ginger, Allie, Jeff, Corey (coincidentally) have all been instrumental in "keeping the coreyoke dream alive"... *sniff* *tears*... butt seriassly, I hope the past two weeks haven't been anomalous. Then I will kill people.

Now all I have to do is learn the songs!

You know, there's nothing like travel and a hotel room to make one really miss their wife.

Whine, whine, whine... I'm excited about the shows.

Oh. one more whine... slowest internet connection in the history of internet. i'm replicating my 2400bps modem with this wireless connection. fascinating. truly.

young and on fire

2007-09-29T17:30:00.000-07:00

cleaning up the office.

found this photo. i keep it around to remind me that i was once completely and utterly focused on becoming a great american actor. it's all i cared about.

this is a play called class enemy. johnathan idelson is by the door and chris joyce has his back to us. i'm playing every actor's dream: a racist punk. lots to chew on there and i most certainly did. i believe i won some award from something or other. l.a. weakly? hmm. anyone?

it's a really cool play which i'm sure assholes attempt to update and fail.

this was late december 1984. i actually got a call backstage letting me know i'd gotten a regular role in my first t.v. series playing one of chad lowe's funny friends, the other one being oscar nominee grant heslov.

rock.

tempe

2007-09-15T02:10:00.000-07:00

It's quite hot here.

Didn't play so good tonight.

Fortunately, there was no one there to witness.

you can still rock in... tempe

2007-09-13T23:19:00.000-07:00

Maybe someday, metal skool will self destruct like a real 80's metal band and the The Thornbirds will actually play again.

That being said...

I didn't die this week of whatever shit was happening inside my brain, (long story involving inability to stand or even sit up) so I'm going to be wheeled on stage with Chime, a band I've been unleashing my mediocrity upon. We're doing two gigs in Tempe, Arizona this weekend at the Last Exit club. Then, if I don't massacre the shit too much, we're opening for the Rembrandts at the fabulous normandie casino.

I have a spamscam show, which will keep me from harming them at the canyon club.

their (our) ubiquitous myspace page is at

myspace.killyourselfassholemyspaceihateit.com/thebandchime

you can find info like:

Chime

September, 14 2007 at The Last Exit - CD Release for Scotty Johnson of the Gin Blossoms
1425 W Southern Ave, Tempe, Arizona 85282
Cost : $5

Also, why isn't there an asian porn star named "Mito Yung"?

Also, if I live through legalzoom, you owe me a hundred bucks.

the growth

2007-09-02T18:03:00.001-07:00

scissors

2007-09-01T20:24:00.001-07:00

no shots of my manboobs

ouch

2007-09-01T18:18:00.001-07:00

---
dean cameron
http://www.deancameron.com

on elvis' bday

2007-08-25T20:05:00.001-07:00

There is a pbj & banana sandwich with "TCB" written on it.

Joost

2007-08-16T22:47:00.000-07:00

https://www.joost.com/download/3UwSnEGhql8ELg1L9naLihgSWM6Qzpn9A.html

This is a link to Joost. Apparently, it's cool. I don't understand.

I recall days, months and even years where I had so much free time I'd sit around and read the paper and hang out with friends and do stuff.

Really. I remember that. It doesn't seem real. It doesn't seem like that is possible. And I'm not really that busy right now. I'm not even really doing all that much, though I have this sheet of paper with all the shit I want to accomplish before the end of the year and it just makes me laugh and then want to take a nap.

No, really... I'd call up a friend and say "i'm gonna be at 4 & 20. Stop by. I'll be there for a couple of hours at least."

Hmm.

Incarcarex

2007-08-10T01:22:00.000-07:00

In Chicago. Sort of a paid vacation. Doing two shows.

Nice dinner with Victor this evening after our flights.

Not only did Victor have to wait for ME for the first time ever before we left, I seem to have forgotten to pack the "Dean Cameron" robe and the Ibrahim Abacha clothes.

Ah well. Fortunately, WE'RE NOT IN SCOTLAND and they have shops here where you can purchase clothes for not so much money.

In other news...

I'm pretty sure I make no secret that I'm one of those silly Libertarians who believe that people do best when left to their own devices and most folks are fine if you leave them alone to enjoy their lives.

A sort of tangential group, The Drug Policy Alliance, aksed me to record a spot for them and I jumped at the chance. I love doing stuff where I can actually do work for them, after they've helped me (to feel extremely lonely and sad that most people want a senator to do everything for them) to examine lots of things I used to believe and then change those beliefs and, most importantly, educate myself a bit.

Apparently, it recently passed the 100,000 views mark. Not too bad.

security edition

2007-08-08T00:35:00.000-07:00

Someday my sleep patterns will return to normal. Maybe not. Regardless:

I got all inspired by doug stanhope and rewrote the text on the security edition home page. It's probably too on the nose, but I sure do like it.

Doug Stanhope. Holy toledo.

The Bill of Rights - Security Edition:
The First Ten Amendments to the Constitution of the United States of America, printed on each side of a sturdy, playing-card-sized, pieces of metal.

Highlighted in red is the extremely controversial fourth amendment; the "search and seizure" amendment, which makes much of law enforcement so dificult. The Bill of Rights - Security Edition is available for purchase as a Single Card, the Trinity Pack of Three Cards or the wildly popular Five Card Frequent Flier Pack.

You may take the Bill of Rights - Security Edition with you the next time you travel by air. When directed to, however, please cooperate with the courageous men and women of the TSA, and quickly toss your rights in the convenient plastic bin provided for your use at no extra charge. Please do not hold up the line and delay other passengers. It's best for you and your fellow citizens if you listen closely and follow instructions. Once you've been searched and cleared by the busy agents, your rights will be returned to you.

If the rights are somehow misplaced or confiscated, please be aware of other travelers behind you who may want to get to their gate and would appreciate your haste. The faster you get through the security checkpoint, the more time you may have to have a cocktail at the airport bar and watch the game or discuss politics. You chose to travel with the Bill of Rights - Security Edition. Any difficulty you are having was brought upon by yourself. You can't expect to be treated any differently than anyone else. It wouldn't be fair. Remember: it's the sense of collective cooperation and camraderie which defines true citizenship in our great country.

These are dangerous times and safety is the number one priority of your Democratic and Republican leaders.

I don't remember

2007-07-20T02:30:00.000-07:00

the movie channel busts my balls

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GbnpYXt4pGE

As a negative person, I think I sorta have to be insulted. "B-Movie Footnote"?

Hmmm.

As my old friend Gordon Sumner used to say:

"Truth hurts everyone."

Or, as my old friend Russ Parrish used to say:

"The Truuuuuuth Hurts"

Indeedy doo!

testy

2007-07-16T16:43:00.001-07:00

This is the penis who was in front of up at the cemetery screening this saturday. I nearly began a riot after i began yelling at the couple next to me who were on a 1st date and couldn't stop saying "clever" and cute shit during cukoo's nest. My point was that if you're going to in through life as a clueless, self-centered moron, a crazy asshole may start screaming at you & call you & your date stupid cunts.

2007-07-07T23:50:00.000-07:00

Two things:

a: Is it cool or horrible that the The Thornbirds 1st record is available for 36 cents on Amazon.com?
2: A friend of mine, David Lawrence, says he earns at least a grand a month from this stupid link. So, I know that there are at least 500,000 people reading this feverdream of a blog. If at least 10 of you add yourselves and use this bar, we could, through the barely legal (hi, keywords!) practice of the shitstain of capitalism: multi-level-marketing, earn tens of dollars.

What the fuck. The album by the band I'm in who I haven't seen in 7 months is selling for 36 cents on Amazon, I'm doing a horror short directed by someone who was 5 years old when summer school came out and I'm hoping that my health plan covers full anesthesia for a colonoscopy within 5 years... It's time for me to get in on MLM, right?

Here goes. CLICK HERE TO EARN THOUSANDS FOR NOTHING!

Man, I feel dirty.

At least I'm not a professional poker player, right?

Good point.

hot chicks with douchebags & my past

2007-07-01T23:42:00.000-07:00

Many many many summers ago here in beautiful los angeles, the band U2 were here recording or editing that piece of shit movie or something. No one got laid that summer because every girl at every club was holding on to the dream that U2 would show up and choose them to go home with and end up being what Mister Hewson was ultimately looking for.

I dubbed it "Horrible U2 Summer" and this site is able to replicate the same feelings of disillusion and despair.

The bride and I have been going to the saturday night screenings at the hollywood forever cemetary. It's something I look forward to every year. A couple of weeks ago, they showed Harold y Maude and so many people showed up that there was "line anarchy" and it bummed us out and we left. It used to be BACK IN THE OLD DAYS, SONNY!!!! that the lines would form organically and everyone would cooperate and it was loverly. Now ALL THESE RIFF RAFF HOOLIGANS SHOW UP, SONNY!!!!! and it eats ass in the bad way.

Butt. this past week, we got there right around 5:30 (show begins at sundown... 8:30-9?) and had no problems. They screened roman holiday and I'd never seen it and it ruled. We take a shitload of candy, a ginormous bag of pistachios, bags of carrots, a couple of frescas, a couple of diet cokes, some water, blankets, very short beach chairs, cards to play games in line, ubiquitous video ipod (more later), and sit and hold hands and watch the movies. It sure is nice. Man.

Next week they're showing Fast Times. I'm hopeful that we can go. Haven't seen it in years. So odd to hear the guys running the screening as "Amy Heckerling's Fast Times at Ridgemont High". Dig that possessive credit, peeps!

It got me to thinking... Remember back when t.v. sucked and they used to ruin movies by making t.v. shows out of them? Now movies suck because they're ruining t.v. shows by making movies out of them.

"I hope I get a callback for the part of Jerry in the Seinfeld movie..."

Did spamscam at the Lakeshore Theater in Chicago aka Gateway to the West and had such a tremendous time. Since we're performing the show for money now, we're able to take Aaron along as the tech and pay him and he lugs the suitcase full of gear around, makes all the arrangements with the theater, sets up the gear, the lights, everything and we get to roll in like rockstars and do a quick check and enjoy ourselves.

In the past I would always be scrambling for shit and trying to locate cables and whatnot and the shows were always much more stressful than they needed to be (hi, scotland!). So this will be really terrific.

US Airways began our journey by canceling our flight the day of the flight and not letting me know, so that scared me a bit, but once that was handled, all was well. I'd write more about US Airways, but the U.S.A.P.A.T.R.I.OT act that you were so happy about 6 years ago prohibits me from making the statements I feel should be made.

1st Amendment indeed!

Speaking of the Bill of Rights...

Speaking of my embarrassing past:

Went to see the worst thing I've ever seen tonight. Fortunately, the grandparents-in-law were tired and we got to leave at half-time.

What a poop.

If you're part of a production and you see someone leaving at half-time, do not ask why someone is leaving unless you are prepared to hear the truth, people.

The corollary is, i suppose, do not tell the truth to someone involved with a production when leaving at half-time unless you are prepared to get flipped off.

email to my senators

2007-04-18T11:03:00.001-07:00

Though this is a highly charged and emotional time, I trust that you will keep a cool head and continue to support the bill of rights and the rights of law abiding citizens to keep and bear arms.

I'm sure you are getting calls and pressure to create more gun laws, but you've been around long enough to know that more laws won't stop criminals from doing something bad.

Your cool head is appreciated.

Be well.

Dean Cameron Eikleberry

read the bills act

2007-03-23T11:10:00.000-07:00

Here's a novel idea.

Make the people making laws actually read the laws they're voting on.

The Read The Bills Act.

Madness.

intervention

2007-03-18T20:37:00.000-07:00

christ in a handbasket.

i'm drawn to the show intervention on a&e. it's the same show every week yet I still enjoy it. I spend quite a bit of time watching with my hand up to the screen blocking out injections.

the chuckie negron episode broke my heart. kid never had a chance and his dad just wants to look like a hero and make his ex wife look bad. he was doomed. doomed. amazing that his brother was so cool.

it's an odd thing, they don't show the functioning ones. i've watched a couple and the only problem the person has, other than wanting something, is supply and social acceptance. you don't hoard shit that is available.

i believe that if hard drugs were legal, they'd be a problem like alcohol. the world surrounding the drugs wouldn't be as destructive. the abuse would destroy people and families the way alcohol and cigs do now.

The fact that it's easier for kids to get drugs than it is to get cigarettes gives you all the information you need.

The other thing to remember is that hard liquor is readily available yet beer and wine are the most popular alcoholic drinks. If we can transfer this to pot and heroin, then we could safely say that since folks aren't drinking the shelves dry of Jack Daniels, they probably wouldn't destroy society by shooting up all the god damned time.

Of course, maybe we can't transfer it. But if it does fail repeal the laws.

The new treatments for opiates and alcohol are going to make the AA cult people nuts. There's another one for cocaine in the works, ass well.

It's a crazy mixed up world, Arthur Brown.

300

2007-03-18T00:18:00.000-07:00

When I begin to lose faith in the world, a movie with the main theme being "we will die to save the world from mysticism and tyranny" is the #1 movie and I feel all gooey inside.

Skeptic's Guide Massage Board

2007-03-11T22:30:00.000-07:00

Yes, I've begun posting on a message board. That's the kind of dork I am.

I've been posting a bit over on the skeptic's guide to the universe message board. There's lots of good thinking going on, along with some real not good thinking.

Irregardless...

There is a discussion on global warming, which is cool because there are some skeptics of global warming. On the other side of that, there are skeptics who are of the mind that global warming skeptics are in the same league as skeptics of the holocaust.

So. It's pretty intense, yes? Yes.

I have a whole bunch to say about this global warming thing, but I have no time right now. (NO, NOT EVEN FOR MOTHER EARTH!!!)

I posted something there that I thought was quite good and thought it was worth putting up here, ass well.

Here it is:

I believe that the environment is far too important to let politicians decide what to do. I don't trust Chuck Hagel or Barbara Boxer with the ocean.

(No, my straw man hippie brother, I didn't say I trusted exxon. Go smoke another doobie, buddy.)

Imagine that something analogous to the Kyoto Protocol had been enacted when the big bad humans were bringing on another ice age 30 years ago.

I hate to sound like one of those Libertarians, but the government rarely changes their bad laws at a good speed. We've had several temporary taxes here in California and they seem to be temporary in that geologic type of temporary.

No, I don't know who we should listen to, Mr. Straw, but politicians are too concerned with saying what a majority of people want to hear to be considered for the position. Politicians have only been objective when they agree with us.

These are people who will allow chiropractors and acupuncturists to be "state licensed". Why would we think that they're suddenly objective about atmospheric science; a subject with concepts significantly more difficult than pure hooey like subluxations and chi.

Remember, they all love the lord. Or worse, lie and say they do. Except Culbert Olson. (Thanks, Google!!!)

holy jebus

2007-02-21T22:57:00.000-08:00

quite a bit going on. but not much time to get all the stuff out that I want to. soon.

i'm really enjoying the gig at legalzoom.com. there is some stuff that is just beyond my abilities so i'm challenged and learning and that's fun. then there is drudgery cut/paste stuff. which becomes a nice break in the slamming my head against the wall.

i think i will have full on carpal tunnel within a couple of years. my hands are sore when i head home.

speaking of heading home, i ride the subway many days. i have an ironic parking pass for the north hollywood station where i park and ride into hollywood. the trip from noho to ho is 6 minutes. sometimes it takes an hour to get there by car. some days, i have v.o. auditions at cesd, and then it's just hellish. when i got hired, i told lz that i would be late every day, so it's quite like the situation i had at iWin the last couple years; i show up around 10:30 or and work until i'm done. some days i'm out of there at 9.

speaking of voice overs....

since i'm "working for the man", i record many v.o. auditions here at home and send them in via mp3. it's how i booked hyundai and a couple of other spots. i'd rather do them at cesd, but...

occasionally, it's obvious that a copy writer hates their job. so i was having lots o problems doing this one spot tonight and after I did my opening "this is dean cameron..." etc., i started ranting. fortunately, i had the good foresight to not throw it away and i'm going to share it with you, my two readers.

most voice over auditon material has some direction that the writer or ad agency people want you to go for. i usually get either "wry, likeable" or "earnest, likeable". it always says "non-announcery announcer", which is a robot killer because if one only reads for announcer spots, they are then an announcer. I know what they *mean*. One would think that a writer might be able to come up with a better way of expressing their wishes.

This particular writer requested:

What the hell? The copy is your basic copy that would accompany this product, but instead of this person just accepting that he (write me, you sensitive females!!!) is writing copy for a radio spot for something not that cool or exciting, he decides he wants the person to sound like someone on NPR.

It's really funny. It's really, really funny.

But, I got frustrated with the copy and after trying it for or five different ways, i started from scratch and "hilarity ensues".

Hmm.

it's competely raw, but i would actually like to book this gig (i won't because you can hear the hatred in my voice in the audition) and i also don't want any fallout if, by some crazy internet thing (hi, narcisist!) the writer or ad agency should hear it.

early on in the rant, you may wonder "is dean talking to the copy writer or himself? i wonder..."

it makes me wonder...
sure does...

I'm not really that bitter. it's just an affectation. a sort of totemistic symbol thing...

if i was really cool, i wouldn't have plugged in me saying "censored" over the product name. I'm not that cool.

boy do my forearms hurt.

here's the file

never sleeps

2007-01-22T01:21:00.000-08:00

We did our two shows and they both went really well. The audience at 10:30 was a bit tired and were just listening, which was a bit disconcerting. Especially after the first show which went so well.

I am, however, cautious... What a surprise for me. Hmmm.. I fear that the folks booking shows may want something a bit safer than the spam scam show. I don't mean that in a condescending way (that means "talk down to" ), I mean that you don't really get what's going to happen in spamscam from the title.

Victor, however, did some of his best stuff tonight. Really solid an schweet!

Dunno.

I do know that I had a whole bunch of stuff to do for legalzoom.com and did not do one single thing. I will try to pack it in tomorrow when I get home... but wow. I did not do well. Hmmm.

It's cold here. Did I mention that?

The really nice thing is that I edited the script down to 1/2 hour, and it's inspired me to begin adding the stuff from the other scams in... try to figure out some sort of structure. I have my russian bride, my hussein guy, mister ebay and the lotto all going through perry mason, but it's so unweildy, but this has given me confidence that i can pare that stuff down, too.

We shall see. I need to get back in andy's studio and make some calls to the former soviet union.

Hmmm.

Wacky.

new york

2007-01-20T22:55:00.000-08:00

what would be a post without me complaining?

the agents repping spamscam have us here in new york to perform a 30minute version for folks who book our type of show in their respective theaters.

it is freezing here. my crimony. there's ice and snow and it's just cold.

a friend of mine has a place here and he's not here so i'm staying there. he has an amazing jacket that has saved my life. if it weren't for his jacket, i would be dead.

i had some questions:

1. never heard back from godaddy. i don't care, really. i don't think the racist guy is funny. that's all. i was hoping to just make his life a little more difficult. i don't think he's really a racist... well... maybe he is. i think he's hiding behind his religion. if he didn't have that, he probably couldn't be doing that "character". blah blah.

2. if you are in the nyc area (rug), we're at the broadway comedy club at 6 and 10. it is not going to be our full show at all. it is going to be half as long without our usual lighting. on the other hand, if you like getting out of the house in freezing ass weather, then maybe sunday is the day for you.

holy beans it's cold. i bet it's colder in minneapolis.

serves 'em right.

i had tea the day i got in with some friends here at the st. regis. it's so nice to do. i want to find a place in l.a. that has a nice afternoon tea. might be something to do a couple times a month. i liked it at the st. regis better when they brought out the ginormous platter thing. oh well.... my friends paid for it, so it was perfect!

had indian food down in little india with victor and andy, the guy he's staying with. when we performed here in june, he was donald aboyami. i'd forgotten this: he couldn't see the screen very well so instead of "mister pakir kubani" he improvised the name "Poonan Koonan". Much ribbing tonight.

In other news, one of the libertarian web sites, the adovcates, has redone their site and updated my listing. it's too bad that they can't get better celebrities than me. there is a rumor that brangelina want to do atlas shrugged. they would be perfect. i would worry that they might water it down.

dunno. who cares? it's cold!
must to sleep.

los endos

2007-01-16T05:22:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine is a writer/producer on NCIS and was nice enough to get me in to read for a nice part. It would've been cool-o to work with mark harmon again after... shit... 20 years.

Back when I actually had an acting career, I rarely booked guest star spots. It's so daunting and ridiculous to show up somewhere and there are literally 10 guys who look exactly like you. I always felt like "there are plenty of people here who could do this job... I should just go home."

That being said... there are plenty of people here in Hollywood who can do this job. I'm done. It wasn't a bad audition or anything... It was just another in the long line of mediocre. I'm tired of reading for the same people for the last 27 years. They know me. They are aware that I have worked as an actor but it seems that I will continue to have to go in and audition for TV shows. It's a senseless waste of human life.

I would love to be *on* a t.v. show or do a movie, but going in and auditioning for people is annoying. I can act. I have evidence and I'd be happy to show it to someone, but going in and reading 11 lines spread over 5 pages is not something I can do.

Last year, I saw Bob Romanus in a movie called Mojave Phone Booth. (or something). His performance is award winning. If the movie had a distributor and any sort of play, he would be getting his speeches ready. Instead, he can't get arrested, either. He was here a couple of weeks ago for a running charades fest and he talked about how he won't audition anymore.

I guess I'm one of the guys with the Fast Times curse. Ratner and Damone from the movie faded away. Ratner and Damone from the TV show are huge. Eerie!!!

Those three shitty movies ruined it, I guess. Maybe the manager who wouldn't return my calls for 10 years. And my fear of the manager and, most importantly, my laziness. I've been here 26 years and there's still this lottery thinking going on. It's no way to live. It was such a wonderful feeling of freedom after I called the agent and said "I'm done".

I feel like I have power over my life. Even though I haven't been "in the game" for quite a while, there was always a gnawing awareness in the background of the larger than normal randomness in my life; people I don't respect or care about holding my future and my dreams in their hands.

I gave it a shot. I guess it beat me somewhat. I mean, it's pretty much Vegas. The longer you stay around, the greater the odds for the house. I used to think it was the other way around; if you stay, they don't have a choice. Hmm. But... I did do a bunch of movies and tv shows. That's pretty great. I am "that guy" forever and ever. Also, very cool... much better than "hey, waiter".

The best thing is that I have survived. I have a lovely bride and home and voice overs and web programming should keep me in the chips until my bride is able to keep me in the manner to which I'm accustomed. I can write and direct shorts and plays. Les thornbirds will continue to chug along. maybe the record will come out *this* year. I can continue to act in stuff that friends toss my way. I guess I'm finally taking the advice I've given to so many: If there's a way that you can be happy being creative without getting the shit beat out of you by showbiz, do it.

Spamscam goes to nyc this weekend for a convention of bookers. I have yet to edit the script and photos for the required 1/2 hour running time. Hmmm. Procrastinate much?

I'm sure I'll write more about this... now is sleep time.

It's fitting that this article just came out.

Who knew?

the amazing racist

2006-12-29T23:23:00.000-08:00

I stumbled upon some videos of a guy who calls himself "the amazing racist". It's sort of like Jackass or Borat with no ideas and completely missing the point.

It's possible that the people he's harassing are the best actors ever, but I find that difficult to believe.

Basically, he has a small video crew film him as he harasses people who have a different skin color than his.

His domain is registed with godaddy.com

So, I sent this note to tech support.

MY LETTER TO GODADDY.COM

I have several domains registered with you. Not enough to really make a difference, but a few.

I am a firm believer in the 1st amendment of the U.S. Constitution and, an equal supporter of the free market, which is why I'm writing to you.

I am thrilled that I live in a country that allows www.theamazingracist.net to exist. It is a great thing that this man has the freedom to air his racist views and make videos of himself treating people horribly and posting them on the web. Seriously. Good for him. We're so lucky to live in this country.

I'm also thrilled that your terms of service include the following paragraph.

quote

"Except as set forth below, Go Daddy may also cancel Your use of the Services, after thirty (30) days, if You are using the Services, as determined by Go Daddy in its sole discretion, in association with spam or morally objectionable activities. Morally objectionable activities will include, but not be limited to: activities designed to defame, embarrass, harm, abuse, threaten, slander or harass third parties; activities prohibited by the laws of the United States and/or foreign territories in which You conduct business; activities designed to encourage unlawful behavior by others, such as hate crimes, terrorism and child pornography; activities that are tortuous, vulgar, obscene, invasive of the privacy of a third party, racially, ethnically, or otherwise objectionable; activities designed to impersonate the identity of a third party; illegal access to other computers or networks (i.e., hacking); distribution of Internet viruses or similar destructive activities; and activities designed to harm or use unethically minors in any way. Notwithstanding anything to the contrary herein, in the event Go Daddy cancels Your Services during the first thirty (30) days after You purchase the Services, You will receive a refund of any fees paid to Go Daddy in connection with the Services being canceled. In the event Go Daddy deletes Your Services because they are being used in association with spam or morally objectionable activities, no refund will be issued. You agree You will not be entitled to a refund of any fees paid to Go Daddy if, for any reason, Go Daddy takes corrective action with respect to Your improper or illegal use of its Services."

end quote

Though none of his videos are on his web site right now, he does have them posted on various video hosting sites. It looks as though "The Amazing Racist" engages in "activites that are... racially... objectionable..." and, to a lesser extent "activities designed to defame, embarass, harm, abuse, threaten, slander or harass third parties..." and uses his site to promote these activities.

Again, it is terrific that this man can say what he wants about anyone he wants to anywhere he chooses. It's also great that the free market guarantees that his fellow citizens can apply financial pressure on businesses to end their associations with him.

I'm not "outraged" or "horrified" or "disgusted" or any of those words that one is supposed to use when something like this is encountered. Not at all. I'm excited. I'm excited to see our system work the way it's supposed to. I'm excited to see an important decision being made without the involvement of the government. We get to watch "the marketplace of ideas" in action. We're adults. We can handle things like these like grown-ups. We don't need a babysitter to step in and take care of it.

I urge you to cancel "www.theamazingracist.net" as soon as you legally can.

END OF LETTER

I wonder what will happen.

slow news month...

2006-12-22T00:04:00.000-08:00

Lots of stuff and not much all at the same time...

Years ago, when I was a young working actor type, I was told to write stuff for myself and that would keep me in show business. Well, I did. And, it didn't quite work. Nothing ever got made. There was a moment where one script I wrote was going to go with me as a director, but that never happened. Then at the turn of the century (hi, going for the one), a wacky idea that patrick labyorteaux had been working on for 4 or 5 years got made. an actual feature film. and, you know, i didn't have an agent at the time and my manager never saw the movie. never even came to the set. it only took me another 4 years to gather the balls to let them know that i thought it was time we both "moved on".

A couple friends have written and shot tv shows on their own and one is on the air and another looks like it's probably going to hit the small screen, ass well. So, i've written a tv pilot that i want to shoot in january. we'll see. if it doesn't work as a pilot, i've got either a good short flick or the first act of a feature.

in other news, you may be able to tell from reading my whining and ramblings that i am lucky enough to have been blessed by the good lord with serious, mind altering, stare at the walls, depression. it is bad, bad, bad and there are times that it gets really, really scary. my bride is a rock and i don't understand how she can take it sometimes. the only benefit in the last few months is that i've had no appetite and i've lost all the weight i gained buying the house last year... and then some... about 25lbs.

irregardlessly, i started going to headshrinking earlier this year and we've been futzing around with different medications. he's a really rational, science based, shrink and i really appreciate that there is absolutely no woo-woo with him. nothing was working and that makes it worse and then last week he prescribed another medication that's actually used for something other than depression and my world has changed. it is fascinating. truly. man. i actually feel good. i feel like a human. it's pretty awesome. so that's that going on.

i sleep with my ipod playing podcasts. this past summer, i went through a this american life and studio 360 phase. that's all well and good. there are also the robert ingersoll essays that some nutjob has recorded. those are great, too. it's nice to wake in the middle of the night to the soothing sounds of rational. i've tried to find some good skeptic podcasts. the ones i'd found were... okay. nothing too terrific and then i happened upon the new england skeptical society's "the skeptic's guide to the universe" podcast.

Jessie and I refer to them as the Skeptic Superfriends. It's 3-5 skeptics sitting around (they're actually all at their individual homes, connected by skype or something) chatting. they all know enough not to talk over each other. the sound quality is really good. they have different sections that they do every week, one of my faves being "name that logical fallacy". the other one, science or fiction, is pretty damned good, ass well.

http://www.theskepticsguide.org/index.asp

or

http://www.theness.com/home.asp

are the two links to their pages. i highly recommend it.

speaking of content...

let's see if this works:

it's "coreyoke", the 80's karaoke band wot i mangle the bass.

that's all for now.

i'll be officially middle aged in just a couple of days.

holy hell.

Nigerian Spam Scam Scam

2006-12-11T23:55:00.000-08:00

I'm doing spamscam this Saturday at 10pm in L.A. at the Upright Citizens Brigade theater

http://www.ucbtheatre.com/schedule/showdetails.php?showid=1286

It's a really cool theater.

Come down and laff yer balls off.

skilljam

2006-12-10T13:18:00.000-08:00

I don't work there anymore and I agree with you.

You get a grip.

Kauai - Day 2

2006-12-03T17:59:00.000-08:00

Okay. It's beautiful here but really, the sun needs to come out. I mean, really.

If we wanted overcast and sporadic rain, we'd go to Seattle.

Come on. Come on!!!

It's not ruining the trip. Yet.

Tonight, Jessie is making me go to a luau.

Tomorrow we are kayaking to some waterfall. Then we will be very sore.

Tuesday sees us coasting down a hill on bicycles.

One of these days, the sun will come out.

Everyone is selling fucking timeshares. Jesus. Jesus had a timeshare. The first place we went to book some activities dropped the price from $200 to $0 if we would go sit for 2 hours in some timeshare presentation.

No. No and no. We went somewhere else, instead.

Man, I just want to slather on a ton of sunblock and fall asleep on the beach. Come on, sun! Come on!!!

Yesterday, we drove south (we're on the east coast) and walked along a beach, then went to some touristy place (the entire island... it's cool) and got Jessie some candied pineapple stuff.

Today, we drove north to a big cave and stopped along the way and walked along secluded beaches. Really amazing. On the way back, we saw some blue sky attempting to break through the grey.

If it's raining all day tomorrow, I will officially be bummed out.

Rock on!!!

corey & kauai

2006-11-30T14:46:00.000-08:00

The coreyoke shows at the joint were underwhelming.

Though we built a solid following of nearly 15 people, it's not enough for us to continue playing there. We each make about 8 bucks an hour and, well, that's not enough. So we will move on to another venue and see how it goes.

We may do a thing at a place called the lava lounge beginning in january.

Regardless...

Jessie and I are off to Kauai tomorrow morning. We're finally going on our honeymoon. If I had a better VO year this year, I would probably be more excited about going.

It will be nice to be warm for a while. It has gotten too cold for me here (below 60. I'm a wuss, yes.)

Jessie is having anxiety attacks regarding being "in public" in a bikini. Man, I feel so bad for women. Sorry that we do that to you, ladies.

Oh well. Better her than me!

I think the place we're staying has no internet, so it will be weird for me. There is a place "down the street" that does, though I don't know what "down the street" really means.

hmm.

Rock on!

COREY-OKE FUN AND JOY

2006-11-15T02:36:00.000-08:00

Coreyoke was a blast tonight. Proof of concept. Lots of people. Lots of people having fun. Lots of people getting drunk and having even more fun and telling us they'll be back next week with their friends. One of the peeps is a stringer for the L.A. Times who is going to pitch us to his editor about doing an article.

That's the kind of spontaneous publicity we need to get ahead, people!

In other news, I did some v.o. spots for my good buddies at PG&E and a "directed audition" (they paid a little bit) for Sylvan which did not go so well. There was lots of copy that needed "massaging" but there was not much time, so I ended up sounding like a slick ass pitchman. Not good for Sylvan Learning centers.

Balls!

The McBook is running beautifully. fuck that RAM.

Speaking of RAM, on America's Funniest Home Videos, there was one with a ram ramming a car in Italy or something. It killed me. Stupid pissed of ram. Mad at a car. 'tard.

Yay for Coreyoke!

McBook II - Electric Boogaloo

2006-11-12T15:27:00.000-08:00

So it seems that the 2g of ram I had has been the culprit.

I received the replacement McBook Thursday and within an hour, the same crab begain; programs crashing, the mcbook crashing... horrible.

Then I had the bright idea to aks the mac experts in my life if the RAM might be the culprit. They said it could be. I swapped the 2g out and put the 512k back in and it's been running as beautifully and smoothly as a barefoot kenyan at the olympic marathon.

Yeeha!

Now I'm a mac asshole! Yeahboiiii!

Also, come to Coreyoke this Tuesday. You will love it.

Speaking of UCB, it's the one in Hollywood, not NYC.

two things

2006-11-08T02:54:00.000-08:00

1. A delightful Coreyoke shoe tonight. The audience was small but vocal and we had a nice time with Jimmy Fallon showing us how to handle success.

2. I'm glad the democrats are in charge finally. Now they will make everything perfect, right? Isn't that right, guys? I mean, now that you democrats are in charge, everything's going to be perfect, right? Hmm? What? Right? Guys?

... guys?

... but... hey...

... you said... um... you said...

... shit.

McBook

2006-11-06T22:05:00.000-08:00

The Apple store said they would only swap the hard drive on my dead within 3 weeks McBook, but the place I purchased it from, Expercom.com is sending me a new one.

If you're ever in the market for Apple stuff, expercom.com is the place to go. They are good eggs.

Waiting to see if the monitor the other place sends me works. They said they were sending another one. Maybe the power cable will be included. Who knows.

It's all too fucking horrible.

Maybe you'll come to Coreyoke Tuesday night!

me performing twice this week.

2006-11-03T22:50:00.000-08:00

I will be playing bass twice in one week.

November 7th, is the first night of Coreyoke at The Joint in L.A.

Coreyoke is an 80's karaoke band. We have about 50 songs. You pick the one you want to sing, sign up, we get you up on stage, count you in and you rock the house. We are each a "Corey". I'm Feldman, the guitarist is Haim and the drummer is Hart.

It is the most fun you will ever have. No lie. We are quite good, but completely not threatening. We try to be as stupid as possible so you look really good, even if you can't sing. You've always wanted to sing in a band, right? Come down. Beer is 2 bucks and it's free to get in! We go on around 9:30 and play until we stop.

We do Bohemian Rhapsody.

I am totally serious.

Thursday night, Nov. 9, my "real" band, The Thornbirds are playing at BB Kings at Universal City at 9pm. Since everyone has these cover bands wot pay good money and families, we don't get to play ass much ass we'd like to and this is a rare treat for us. So, make it a rare treat for you, ass well.

Come see a guy in his 40s cling desperately to his youth.

P.S. I'm doing Spamscam at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater December 16th at 9pm. More on that later.

cheap trick

2006-11-02T23:44:00.000-08:00

god damn they're good.

blacbook

2006-11-01T13:25:00.000-08:00

the macbook (McBook) which I purchased 3 weeks ago is dead.

now i get to go through the joys of customer cervix with apple.

switch, indeed.

It's what I get for watching TV

2006-10-31T00:07:00.000-08:00

Thoughts while watching a television commercial:

A bunch of famous people in a line... but it becomes apparent that they are not actually in the line together. It's some sort of magic of film... like Catherine Z Jones in the T-Mobile spots. The celebs are really mannered and awful and somehow condescending. just standing and waiting... this must be some do-gooder spot.

Ah...It's a voting booth.

Wait a damned minute, people.

They're saying that we should spend our time in a line to vote but they can't even get it together to work out being in the same fucking room long enough to do a public service spot.

You motherfucking hypocrites. Ballsy ballsy ballsy.

Indeed.

rambling update

2006-10-22T00:37:00.000-07:00

There has been a paucity of whining here. It must mean that I'm back and enjoying myself. That would be a yes.

The weather here is just beautiful. It's definitely fall and that is always a drag, but at least it's 80 degrees and I'm wearing short pants.

I've been spending money like it's going out of style. And, if i keep it up, it will be out of style. But I bought a McBook (some call it a macbook... blech!) and made the switch to apple. got a big dick 23" dell monitor to use with it at home, etc. Pretty nutty. And, I'm going to be spending a boatload (to me, at least) on our first vacation ever. It will also be our honeymoon.

Corey-oke is playing every Tuesday night in November at the The Joint in L.A.

Spamscam will not be playing Chicago in November. Probably February. We'll see.

Working with a friend on a script idea. It's way early. We shall see.

I've been doing a whole lot of nothing.

For my birthday last year (dec 25) Jessie bought me a massage at Burke/Williams. We finally went today.

I don't know, there's something about that place that just seems like a scam. I think they fuck over everyone. The Massueses ass well ass the customers. I imaging that a Massuese probably only gets 30-40 for a massage they charge 120 bucks for. It's a racket.

It certainly is nice sitting in the Yahoozi and the steam room and the water pressure in the showers is truly amazing. Carr's wife, Marion, who is a massuese, spoiled me. She knew exactly how to go realllllly deep in my back. The woman today was pretty much average.

When I went to "check out"... see... that's what I mean... they call settling the bill "checking out", like it was all schmanzy fancy. The place is bullshit. There's something very sinister about it. Not complaining. Just making an observation. So... When I went to check out, it turns out that Jessie had bought me the deluxe 80 minute pound the fuck out of you depth charge massage. I had showed the gift cert. to them when I arrived and they didn't mention it then. The attitude of the girl afterwards was "oh well, sucks to be you" and vaguely suggested I leave the 80 bucks as a tip for the massuesse, which I was thinking of doing because I'm pretty sure they don't even pay her parking. "We treat these like cash" but I had an extra 30 bucks and they won't give the cash. She suggested I buy something... one of their stuffed cancer bears or something. I don't know. It's a weird place with great water pressure and lots of towels.

Hmmm.

Be that as it may...

The unintended consequence of Minneapolis is that I dropped all the weight and then some that I gained last year when we begain looking for houses.

I got postcards made up to send to directors and producers I've worked with over the years that say "dean cameron: still alive".

We'll see how that goes over.

That is all. Trying not to whine and complain.

So much less to whine and complain about here... tis true... so true...

Shortbus - Spoilers included

2006-10-22T00:25:00.000-07:00

Shortbus is the kind of movie I'm glad was made but utltimately doesn't help our cause. Or, I'm a square.

Here are the problems I had with it:

1. everyone's really beautiful
2. no one talks like that, except for people doing movies about sexuality in new york city
3. if they're so open and free and sex positive, how come the song at the end connotates anal sex with death. i.e. it's a bad thing.

Years ago, I was talking with some actor friends and I came to the conclusion that if we really wanted to be edgy and honest, hardcore sex in a movie would be the coolest and most honest thing to do. So, that's very cool. Plus, the papier mache city is really, really cool (and a great cost saving alternative to doing flyovers in manhattan (hi, that baseball player whose name i don't know but wish i did so i
could've yelled it out during the movie when they were flying into buildings) )

I don't get why if you're going to have a salon/orgy palace like Shortbus, everyone has to dress up. Why do you have to have your backup singers hanging upside down? Why all the affectation?

these characters:

1. The uptight asian sex therapist who has never had an orgasm and
2. her closeted gay husband
3. the beautiful but suicidal young gay man with a past
4. the dumb actor boyfriend
5. the flamboyant, acid tounged sexually ambiguous host ("It's like the sixties but with less hope, honey!")
6. the s&m worker who longs for a simple life

etc.

are so obvious... and the story is, too.

Oh, brownouts... I bet she has an orgasm and the lights go on.... Check.

This is an emperor has no clothes movie. If you don't like it you have issues. It's impossible to critique.

"them: See, you have issues. Us people who like sex think this is a really important movie."

I do like sex, but does one have to like a movie's subject to enjoy the movie?

You're trapped by the subject like with something like Schindler's List: It's an important subject, but if you don't like the movie, you're a nazi.

And... why does free sexual expression always involve whipping, food, tattoos, singing the national anthem into someone's asshole and dressing up?

"See, people dress up and have sex because it's fun. You're obviously a square."

bah...

The other "out" of Shortbus is: "Well, it's a movie... it's a fantasy..."

If they were so free with their sexuality, why did all the women hole themselves up in a room away from everyone and then talk about sex and then exclude the hot asian babe and the "punky" girl for how they felt about sex?

On the other hand, I will tell everyone I know to see it. I mean, it opens with a shot of the statue of liberty, right? That's great.

It's an important movie and deserves to be seen, but again, I think that ultimately, it doesn't help we who love freedom because it is so exclusive.

That's all.

switch

2006-10-12T18:36:00.000-07:00

so my toshiba laptop screen went goodbye. when i'm home i "expand" the desktop onto another monitor, so now i'm just using the external monitor as my main space. it's a drag.

we want to purchase some property out of state and i suppose we can still do it, but i don't like spending lots of money all at once.

jessie just got the big dick mac pro with a billion gig of ram, etc. and a sleek monitor, so i decided that i can switch to mac so i bought a big cock macbook or McBook as i will be calling it... cough

i also went and coughed up a pile of cash for a dell 24" monitor.

i can run xp on the mcbook for the one program which doesn't have a mac counterpart: the karaoke building thing.

speaking of Coreyoke, we're playing every tuesday in November at the The Joint and I think we've got some gig on the 21st of rocktober. i'm looking forward to playing music out, even if i do have to wear a stupid wig and a members only jacket. it's nice not worrying that i don't look cool, though.

jessie and i are hoping to take a vacation the first week in december. it will be our honeymoon and first vacation ever. looking for a good deal in hawaii on maui or kawuaiiaiaaiaia'i.

thank you nfl commercial.

speaking of cold, it's snowing in minneapolis today and that makes me laugh. it was hot here in l.a. and it was so nice to be too warm. it's the best thing in the world.

i did a v.o. for two pg&e radio spots right when i got back so it was nice to get back into the swing o' things.

now i'm preparing all my files on my pc that i'll slide over to the McBook.

I don't like the interface on the macs. they bug me. the way the screens don't fill up the fuckign screen when you hit maximize is completely lame. i think there's some workaround program, but still, when you think maximize you think "maximum space available".

ford vs. chevy. it's the same thing. it doesn't matter.

the thing will be obsolete within the year.

it's snowing in minneapolis. hahahoooo!

I'm totally serious

2006-10-04T20:14:00.000-07:00

I like being in L.A. more than being in Minneapolis.

I'm sure you were curious. Just wanted to make sure you knew.

home again...

2006-10-02T14:55:00.000-07:00

As paul simon once wrote: gee, it's good to be back home.

The weather is perfect and it's a religious holiday so many religious people are home so there is no traffic.

Yay!

Of course

2006-10-01T13:39:00.000-07:00

It's the most beautiful day ever in Minneapolis. Thank you for the lovely send-off!

Another myspace thing: someone wrote "tell us how you really feel..." regarding my myspace ranty thing.

Okay... I think that "Tell me how you really feel..." is so horrible. It's that desperate hipster Jack Black detachment that keeps people safe from really feeling something. If someone is disturbed by something and you say "tell me how you really feel" then you're not dealing with what they're saying. You're "being funny". But you're not really being funny, you're dismissing the other person's, well, feelings.

So, being the glutton for punishment I am, I wrote back to this person who wrote "Tell us how you really feel..." saying "I did." and nothing else.

She writes back "Sarcasm at its worst."

How nuts is that? Someone who writes the worst sort sarcasm one can write says my response is the worst sort of sarcasm.

This has got to be the most annoying thing to read in the world. Crimony.

After a couple of hours of extremely close examination, I've noticed that there's an inordinate amount of lint in my navel. I'll post several photos and video soon.

unemployment

2006-09-30T20:13:00.000-07:00

I don't think I've ever been this happy and sad to be done with something.

I've been lucky in that most of the stuff I've done has been somewhat successful... for me. Maybe gratifying is a better word, but I count success as something that's gratifying. If I was making 1/2 a million bucks a year doing staged readings of Miracle Beach, I wouldn't call that successful. Money is not what defines it. If I accomplish something... grow... learn... become a better person... become better at something.. those are things that are part of my definition of success.

So this has not been a success. In numbers, too. It's been extremely not a success... but for me, personally, I haven't gotten better. I've only "gotten by" and that sucks Borat's sweaty ballsac.

It has been my experience that there is usually some sort of payoff for the heavy lifting one does. It's not a spiritual thing, it's just that if you focus and concentrate on something, it's noticed, etc.

When I was miserable in Edinburgh the first time, I knew that there was going to be some payoff from the work we were doing there; we had a run scheduled in L.A. right afterwards and we were getting good reviews and larger audiences and the notice of the people you want to notice those things and it was going to pay off into the L.A. run.

Love Tapes requires a lot of heavy emotional lifting and, during the first production of it, the success of the show was what Julie and I got for the work. It was gratifying and having folks come and see it and tell others that they should come and see it was a good thing. We even extended, I think, though that may have been a bit premature. I think the last week the show sorta fizzled... but... there was a recognition of the work.

I literally feel now that I don't know how to act. I think we baffled the audience. I think I baffled them.

I've noticed, though, that many people here are mean. I think living in cold makes people mean. Passive/aggressive. I notice it because I am certainly passive/aggressive. Perhaps people don't like seeing love stories. Or, maybe we sucked. Maybe the show sucks. I do not know. I just know that I have never felt this at sea doing something. It's depressing. I mean, it always is; finishing a show.

I talked to some people after a show once and they were a little drunk and they slowly started getting mean to me. In this weird way that I didn't notice until we were just about finished talking. I think some people like being mean to people who have been in movies. It might be a personal victory. I don't even think they know why or that they're even doing it, but it sure gets obvious really fast. And, disappointing. Obvious is disappointing.

This is a weird thing to reveal: This used to happen much more when I was younger, but it's been pointed out to me by more than a couple of friends that heterosexual men get attracted to me. Then, because they have these weird feelings, they start getting really, really, really mean to me. In a way that they think is jokey, but if you're receiving it, or if you're watching it, it is astounding.

So, that happens to me also sometimes with people who have seen me in movies, of know that I used to be in movies. They start insulting the stuff I've done. Making "funny comments" about the crappy movies I've been in. As if I wasn't aware that Ski School might suck. But the thing I always try to remember is that I got paid a bunch of money to be in Ski School and they wasted their precious lives watching it. Or thinking about it. Or trying to make a funny comment to me about it. I can't help it if they haven't seen the good movies I've been in. Most people haven't, because Ski School does well on the cable channels or something. I don't know how they rate that stuff. Maybe HBO got those movies for free and they can show 'em. It seems silly to me, when there are so many great movies, that someone would show Ski School or Summer School on their channel.

Other people like them. I'm with 'em. I enjoyed Beerfest. It was probably better than All The King's Men. I could probably guarantee that. I bet ski school was better than All The King's Men. So, if you're watching Ski School and you like it, good for you. I had a fine time making it, it was the work that I could get and I did the best I could with it.

So, someone has these new feelings they don't know how to deal with so they get mean... hostile... snippy.

Oh... another tangent, this is really funny: I loathe myspace. And my profile on myspace has a long angry rant about why. (I am, of course, in the minority as myspace is extremely popular and tightcircle well...) So... Every couple of weeks when I want to "test the bruise", I check myspace to see who is stalking me, sending friend requests, etc.. I often get very nice notes. Sometimes people try to be "funny" and ironic and it's just that obvious thing I mentioned earlier... If I mean so little to you, why did you then look me up on myspace, read my essay and then write me a note? So... A death metal band found me and did a friend request thingy. A DEATH METAL band, people... and the guy wrote something like "Dude, your rant is so bitter. Never mind. Delete the request." If it's a joke, the guy is a genius.

I think it might not be a joke.

A death metal band. Too bitter for them.

Back to the matter at hand... So... people pull that shit. Which, you know, is better than being in a position where people say "Could I see a dessert menu?" to me.

There.. I'm back.

Tonight, it smelled like someone crapped in the audience. Literally. It smelled of shit. Maybe it was my work come to life, finally. Or maybe someone let off a prank stink bomb. Or maybe it was that show in the theater underneath us wafting up. There was an area cleared out; maybe someone did poo. It really smelled awful. I was actually looking forward to bringing out the air freshener at the end of my 2nd scene.

It didn't help.

I had so much hope for this.

Hi diddly dee... the actor's life for me.

Hmmm.

In 24 hours, my plane will be in the air and I'll probably be crying.

Movie Review

2006-09-30T03:32:00.000-07:00

What would you call a movie about a young guy who makes his best friend do his homework, goes around indiscriminately beating the shit out of people under the guise of family honor, ignores his parents's'ss wishes, ignores his daugher, is a drunken asshole who doesn't pay his bills and, as a young man makes his hardworking best friend buy his thug buddies drinks and food, then wrongly kills a man which in turn becomes responsible for his mother and daughter's death?

But wait... there's more.

What would you call a movie where, instead of facing up to what he's done, asswipe leaves the country and becomes a burden on a group of farmers whose days are spent in the fields doing literal backbreaking work; their only respite being the occasional BREEZE. They feed, clothe and house him for free for at least a YEAR, designating an "honorable" blind chick to tend to his every need. She even replants his share of the crop in the middle of the night after he does a shitty job.

Just as she's falling in love with asshole, he decides to go back to his home town where he discovers that "foreigners" have "invaded" his country. His version of invade means that they've taken down the boxing ring in the middle of town where the bully from each family used to beat the shit out of each other for entertainment and turned it into a peaceful market.

In a fit of ego, he goes to the daughter and widow of the man he killed and, instead of asking how they are and taking care of them, he demands to be taken to a picture of the man he wrongly killed and weeps as the confused daughter and widow watch.

Then, asshole decides that foreigners are ruining his country and starts a club for kids of his race to be strong so they can fight the foreigners who are making his race impure by "interbreeding" and bringing business to his country.

What would you call a movie where this asshole then proceeds to tell wise people that he prefers not to learn about anything; because feelings are more important than information someone might have? He doesn't take the time to listen to the information and then dismiss it, no... he just outright says "I don't care about the knowledge you've acquired over time... I know what I feel is right."?

What would you call a movie this movie, which glorifies tribalism and racism at its most backwards and ugly, makes the contemptible lead character into a hero.

You would call it: JET LI'S: FEARLESS
I would call it: JET LI'S: RACIST JERK

If it was about a white guy, the movie would have a completely different tone; it wouldn't glorify him. Understand, I don't think making it about a white guy is a good thing... AT ALL. I don't want equal time for my ancestral stupid idiots. A tribal, backward thinking, bully, racist, murdering shithead is just that... it doesn't matter what color his skin is.

Also... didn't they remake the Texas Chainsaw Massacre a few years ago? I saw a preview for TCM: the beginning which looks exactly like the remake of a few years ago. I think it has the same people in it. I'm so confused.

Plus, all previews are the same now. Oh, the horror.

so much better

2006-09-25T16:38:00.000-07:00

I'm at Carr y Marion's.

Oh man. This is at least a bazillion times better.

Looks like we've got two weeks, early November in Chicago for spamscam. This was something that Provenz' has had brewing for awhile and is independant of Windwood.

Man, it's going to be fucking cold there. Wow.

Go, provenz', go, you wacky bastard!

never call a tree a tree

2006-09-24T17:41:00.000-07:00

One of the podcasts I subscribe to is the kcrw today's top tune. I don't know. It seemed like a good idea. It's free, legal music. Unfortunately, it's usually shitty.

Topping the list of shitty ditties (hey, I’m a writer!!) is this gem of a turd by someone calling herself ani difranco.

Is there a more obvious, crappy, pandering, grouping of lyrics? You can feel the right side of everything withering away. It's like a 14 year old was forced to write a song at gunpoint.

It's everything I hate about the left. It's hamfisted, cynical and smug. And offers no solutions. (very much like me!) I can see (and smell) the dreadlocked couples gripping their hands that much more tightly together and nodding knowingly at each other when they hear:

pulling coat tails out from under that little v.p.
before he has a chance to get in the driver's seat

Dude, that's so poetic. Get it? She's talking about al fucking gore, dude!!! Dude.

It is wondrous how bad this song is.

Right after 9/11, a bunch of people wrote songs and I remember listening to them in horror.

Perhaps this is a better example:

Back before you were born, on the first night of the l.a. Riots, we didn't know that they were going to stop burning their own places down and come for us, so people were still out doing stuff and I’m pretty sure it was a Monday night because I used to go to the Central (now the Viper Room) and play in pick up bands (it's where I met Russ... Christ a whole other fucking story... The point, asshole, the point!) And we were playing something and I took the opportunity to address everyone and said "I KNOW THERE'S A RIOT GOING ON RIGHT NOW, BUT I BEG YOU SONGWRITERS OUT THERE TO PLEASE NOT WRITE A SONG CALLED 'ANGELS ON FIRE'!!! PLEASE. CONTROL YOURSELVES!!! IT IS A SUCKY TITLE AND A SUCKY LYRIC. DON'T FUCKING DO IT!"

Then a couple years later, when I was playing with Milk, a guy (I’m protecting the guilty here; a first) who used to do some keyboards on recordings for us had us sing backup on a song he wrote. You know what lyric was included, don't you? I don't have to say it, do I? I thought not. Thank you.

So here are the lyrics to the piece of shit from the kcrw podcast, reprinted without permission. Dude, music wants to be free, dude. And that's the only way this music can be heard. They have to give it away for free.

millennium theater
get out there and buy that water and gas
ramadan orange alert
everybody put on your gas mask

first leak it out about the president
then stand up and shout "impeachment"
pulling coat tails out from under that little v.p.
before he has a chance to get in the driver's seat

millennium spectacle
everybody put on a show
slip a little prince in the back door
21st century here we go

digital whiplash
so many formats so little time
while out in tv nation
under darkening skies
the resistance is just waiting
to be organized

halliburton, enron
chief justice is for sale
yucca mountain goddesses
their tears they form a trail

trickle down israel
patriarchies realign
the ice caps melt
and new orleans bides her time
new orleans bides her time

ladies and gentlemen
welcome to tonight's show
the millennium theater
asks that you not smoke
please turn off your cell phones
and forget what you think you know

There. It's over. Now go take a shower. I had to share it with you. I'm sorry. I have to release some of the hate inside of me. I'm sorry. But I mean, really... You understand, right?

Here’s the thing: I LISTEN TO THIS SONG EVERY DAY. No shit.

It's similar to my ingrown toenail. I've had an ingrown toenail for, oh, three months now. And it hurts like fuck. First it was just annoying. Then I picked at it, hoping that the nail would grow over the skin, but no, it just made the nail sharper and it grew deeper under the skin. Then it got infected and between that and walking on it, working out, kickboxing, etc. It started to really hurt. Then. It grew through the skin on the front of my toe and the skin fell off (with some help). And it didn't hurt as much. That was two months ago; (right about the time we got to this hellhole some refer to as "Minneapolis"). But. I had to keep fucking with it, to see how much it hurt. And because I couldn't leave it alone, it kept hurting.

It's like when you're in your 20's and that girl leaves you and you think about all the fun she's having with all those other guys. You know, the gangbangs and bukkake experiences you try to imagine she's exploring with the basketball teams and rock stars? You try to come up with the situations that will cause you the most heartache.

I used to call it testing the bruise.

Now I call it "listening to ani difranco's piece of shit song I downloaded for free from public radio".

what's worse

2006-09-23T02:51:00.000-07:00

the movie with dane cook or the movie with jack black?

this is what's funny now.

tenacious d. get it? they "rock". get it? it's funny but it really "rocks". because they liked bands like iron maiden. no, man, they really liked them. they know better now... get it? but really... they totally rock. and they're like, fat. but. they "rock". get it? man, it's funny. it's so funny. wanna play psp?

oh... dane cook. right.

yeah, he's funny. see. he's good looking. and he's funny. and jessica simpson. she's pretty. i mean. *i* don't like her. no, but dane cook probably got some of that stuff. that's good stuff.

oh. and he's funny. he said that funny thing. yeah... when those people were talking and he said. yeah. he's funny.

if dane cook and tenacious d. did a movie together... oh man. tenacious dane! hooaaa

we have to send that to 'em.

i bet they're on myspace.

i can't wait.

nascar pinball - wasting my life

2006-09-23T01:46:00.000-07:00

At some point, I will be in some institution with pastel painted cinderblock walls and it will smell like urine and I'll be so zonked on anti-depressants because of the many suicide attempts in the bathroom... so many, they won't let me lock the door to poop, much to the consternation of my roommate who, coincidentally, was the fey boy on that show with the robot daughter that I hated so much.

Anyway...

I'll be lying there, at 94, cursing medical science for being so fucking good and keeping me alive for so long, and cursing myself for buying into the libertarian ideal for so long and trying to take care of myself and voting for me taking care of myself and not the state.

I'll be there... Feeling the warmth of yet another badger bursting open... Or was that me pissing the bed again and that will spark a memory of the tool song where he says "god damn. Shit the bed!" and I will tell my poor blind, diabetic foot amputated fey former child star also ran pathetic fuck that I was in a band that played on the same bill with tool and he'll scream "you told me that story 8 minutes ago, asshole. Is that why you're still bleaching your hair? you only have that one patch, dumbass!!! you gonna get a record deal on myspace records? Let me know when the meet and greet is. I wanna bang some of those myspace sluts"

And i'll scream that the SAG appointed shrink Dr. Tam, said that if it makes me happy, I should bleach it. it will remind me of when i was married to that beautiful academy award winning director, Jessie Hawkins.

And when i turn away, eyes brimming with tears, all I will be able to think about is how I would go to Gameworks in Minneapolis when I was doing some bomb show in 2006 and play the Nascar Pinball machine for 2-4 hours with one swipe of my Gameworks card. I will remember that instead of exploring the museums and art, I spent hours upon hours upon hours upon hours wasting my precious life playing god damned Nascar Pinball at Gameworks as the gangbangers shouted around me in their star trek uniforms.

"whatsyerface... did I ever tell you about that comedian who said that wearing a sports jersey of your favorite player is the same thing as..."

"shut up, you loser. you pissed your fucking bed. you bed pissing fucker. you fucking pissed the fucking bed. fuck you. why don't you die already, bed pisser?"

i'll look at the pattern in the annually painted cinder blocks and wonder the same thing. "he's got a point: why don't I die already? I got the high score but wrote ASS instead of my real initials DCE which i did for the #2 position. Why did I think that was funny? Was it funny? I can't feel my left foot. Oh. Yes I can. It itches. But... didn't they amputate it two months ago?" i'll look down at the sticky, bandaged foot. it itches. But it's not there. The feeling is present, but the actual thing isn't.

on the gauze, someone has scrawled "METAPHOR".

"Jessie... At least Jessie's not seeing me like this."

Four days later, he will have his own room for two days, until they find him a new roommate; the guy who wrote "Defending The Caveman" and then lost the millions he made when he opened "Defending the Racist" at the Eugene O'Neill Theater (now the Angelou Performance & Art Center) in New York City, July 8, 2009.

It had played quite well at it's 3 day run in Pittsburg and 2 week run in Princeton.

Jackass Two - Electric Boogaloo

2006-09-23T00:29:00.000-07:00

after the second show in the run that went smoothly (except for the t.v. that fell over during the scene change... but really... That's really nothing. Seriously) I decided to treat myself to jackass number two.

when I was doing mister sterling, the first jackass movie was the #1 movie one week. And everyone had that awful, knowing, showbiz, pessimistic attitude of "we're doing something really special, not just trying to get better ratings than America's funniest home videos" and I remember how heartbreaking that was, as that first jackass movie revealed so much truth about being an American teenaged boy. jackass number two may be less focused.

I don't know. I felt scared. I felt that unease that I felt when I first heard NWA. I walk by all these people in downtown Minneapolis who act tough. They have their star trek uniforms on (a comedian once pointed out that wearing a basketball jersey is the same as wearing a star trek uniform) and swagger and they're in groups and they intimidate middle aged white guys like me.

I defy anyone who thinks they are tough to spend 1/2 an hour with the guys from jackass. Even the biggest pussy in the jackass "crew" is tougher than anyone I've ever known. and, they are magnetic people.

I've been around Steve-o at Metal Skool and he is the #1 person in the room. Always. He is the Alpha Male. He gets all the women. You get to talk when he's finished. And it's just how he is. There's no desperate grab for attention. He just talks and you listen to him because he's the toughest, coolest, sexiest person you've ever seen.

I cannot fathom what being in a room with Johnny Knoxville must be like. It must be breathtaking. Steve-o's face is not really attractive like Knoxville. Knoxville looks like a movie star. Steve-o looks like a crazy person. But the body... I digress... I don't want to hang out with the jackass guys. I don't enjoy pain. I don't enjoy hurting people I love but I am so glad they do because I can go see them do shit in movies.

Bam cries. He gets scared and hurt and frustrated and cries. (he must be doing a show in Minneapolis) and he deserves it. He's trapped in a horse trailer with a fucking cobra. I'd cry, too.

There seems to be a lot of alcohol involved and that's a bit of a bummer and that's one of the reasons I don't think I'd want to hang out with them. Understand, I'm probably the last person they want to hang out with (though Steve-o *owns* summer school) because I'm such a ginormous puss, but they are what freedom is all about. freedom to hurt yourself. Freedom to make really bad decisions. Freedom to get your best friend to shit his pants.

The movie is pure testosterone and is everything art probably isn't and I felt less joy afterwards than I did after seeing the first one, but it makes me think about living and what it's about and all that crap. I don't know if they think about those things when they're freezing a scrotum to a block of ice... "By doing this, it will illustrate several things: youth, passion, mortality, fear, and the audience will examine their individual internal struggles with boundaries..." No.

My favorite things are the segments done with old-age makeup and unsuspecting "civilians". Behavioral tests. The section with the old man and the kid is beautiful. Getting a thug to get "PC" is lovely. the sex pistols used to be terrifying. "I am an animal..." Sounded like a voice from hell. It was the end of music. The end of the world. "what happens when they come to America? First the killer bees... Now this!!!!"

I thought about P&T and the bullet catch and how it's possible that Steve-o could try to catch a bullet. And it would be a personal victory for him perhaps the same way that the bullet catch is for P&T; but... Is it art? They're certainly getting away with something, mister Warhol.

And... how can anyone think David Blaine is anything? Let's see David Blaine get his dick chewed on by a snake. Let's see that, mister mind over matter. Asswipe. The jackass guys should just beat up David Blaine.

finally

2006-09-22T00:01:00.001-07:00

finally a good show. a show where shit wasn't missing. where the audience wasn't out of their minds. where it was just dangerous enough to stay fun and nutty for everyone; the way the show is supposed to be.

they were quiet. listening. taking in the show. they got it. they oohed and aaahhed at all the right places. the people we brought up weren't there to get their pictures taken by their drunken loser friends. it was a nice show. there was only one technical problem and that's a fine amount of technical problems. like i said, just enough danger to keep it interesting and fun.

i've packed up just about everything i can pack up.

monday, carr is taking me to mailboxes etc. or some such place so i can ship all my shit back. then i'm staying with them until the show on thursday. they have dogs and a home and it's not a depressing shithole. they have wifi and that is, obviously, the most important thing.

the good news is that we're doing a Corey-oke gig on Rocktober 17th. that is extremely exciting and i'm looking forward to that.

i wish i still took vicodin recreationally. this next ten days is the perfect time for recreational drug use.

ah well.

the perfect theatrical shitstorm

2006-09-20T19:48:00.000-07:00

why on earth would you get shitfaced, show up for the second act of a show and then talk to the actors while they're onstage for the next hour?

because you're a loser drunk cunt who lives somewhere around minneapolis and you feel that chill in the air that means that you've wasted another year of your pathetic life watching t.v., drinking and eating and you hate yourself so much that you can't take it anymore and have to let that self hatred spill out in public where it is then reflected right back at you when one of the actors on stage says "do you hear that? that's one of my neighbors. they're drunks who lead miserable lives and yell random bullshit all night."

nervous laughter.

but, because you are a drunk, you are self-centered so you think "hey, that actor just talked about ME! that means everyone loves me, i'll talk even more loudly and even more!!!"

by the middle of my second scene i had completely lost control of the audience and especially my rob/renee who decided that they would write their own god damned script. the renee couldn't hear when i was singing, so what was i supposed to do? stop and signal to the sound booth that this stupid cunt with the camera couldn't hear? no. i kept going. so she starts making cut signals and shit. my shirt, which is always pre-set for me, had been buttoned wrong. i keep barrelling through the love tapes song. again, the bass had been set so it was way the fuck out of tune. i had to stop during the song. then the cunt keeps distracting me with "cut cut cut cut cut" signals. you know, once i'm on stage, i can stay fairly focused. it takes a lot to distract me. i mean, i notice shit... i may stumble a bit, but i can pull shit off. but... with everything that had happened up to this point... you know... it was like the perfect storm of shitty theater experiences.

finally, when it's time for me to pull my cock out, i pull it all the way out, grab her head and push her head and the camera right into my cock. i was so close to spreading my ass as far apart as i could and have her shoot that but there was about 1/10th of sanity left and i thought "might not be a good idea".

i don't know what this theater is. i want to give the money back and go home. the people who come to this theater are used to bullshit like tony and tina's italian back waxing and forever plaid and awesome 80's prom and want to come and get shitfaced and throw up or something.

i finally broke the arms off my couch tonight in the shithole "apartment". it's been a slow go over the past couple of days. they were hanging by a couple of nails but now... rubble. i've never lived in a place this small. even when i was making $3.65/hr as an usher at the chinese theater. i've never lived in a shithole like this.

this entire experience sucks my ass in the worst way possible.

here's the thing: i will never blame an audience for their behavior. drunks are like retards and children. they can spot bullshit a mile away. so. it's obvious that she was seeing bullshit in my performance and decided that it was like t.v. where she could talk and drink. i will not blame her for having a miserable life and getting shitfaced and staggering in to the same theater where she and her loser friends got to get shitfaced and talk to the probably equally shitfaced actors who had been doing the same show for a year or something.

BUT!!!!

to them, it's theater. if they had staggered in to a good show, this wouldn't have happened.

by the last scene, jen and i had given up. and because there was real shit going on (disillusion, rage, sadness, self-loathing) the drunk cunt in the audience shut up. all people want is to see something real.

i'm going to start shipping stuff back home tomorrow. when it's time to go, i want to walk on to the plane with my computer and never look back at this fucking hole.

fuck this fucking shit.

"i hear dean cameron is pretty honest on his blog. maybe i'll take a gander at it."

starsailer

2006-09-19T22:56:00.000-07:00

carr took me to a friends's'ss house to see a bunch of old vaudeville shorts wot have not seen the light of day since they were made. apparantly, his friend, bob something or other is a bit of a buff and a restoration genius who people call upon for old footage, etc., and he collects it and shows it to friends.

we saw crazy old shit; the four somethings... fuck, i forgot their names; they were acrobat/contortionists whose act consisted of them kicking each other in the but.

a tall guy dancing with a dwarf lady and making jokes like "it's better than nothin'. " yow!

a guy who was sorta carrot top who had this prop box that changed and morphed and an outfit that did the same thing. he went from a tux into womans clothing and back into a tux in one outfit. then he grabbed his box and left.

another guy whose act was beating up the orchestra conducter, making asides about it, then going to a piano that fell apart and turned into a keg.

the really amazing one was a guy who drank a bunch of water. then spit it on people. then he drank water. then kerosene. then.... okay... then... he regurgitated the kerosene and made a huge fire. then regurgitated the water and put the fire out. the other cool part of THAT clip was it was made for spain/mexico and it had Oliver Hardy speaking spanish. they'd do the shorts for different countries. really cool.

there were a bunch of old timers; folks who do renfairs, variety acts, etc. what a world. amazing world.

one of the magicians in the vaudeville clips from the early 30's was doing tricks that are still being done. horrible.

after that, jeff siegel had arranged tickets for me to see starsailor at the varsity theater. they're quite good. i just downloaded their stuff a couple of days ago.

they're coldplay without the pretense and the willingess to rock out a bit more. the lead singer seemed affable and kept saying "cheers" between songs to make sure we knew he's from the u.k.

here's a clip of him mangling some dylan. very cool. very ballsy.

jeff called and said the show got a good review in the tribune and a fair writeup in citypages; the l.a. weakly of mini-apolis.

i dont' care. i want butts in seats. it's much more fun doing the show with people in the audience. even if they are bitter critics who failed at actors in minnesota.

good news

2006-09-19T12:51:00.000-07:00

the good news is that they're going to cut a wednesday and a sunday show. "our audience is a bit more selective".

the other good news is that skilljam.com has decided that they need to show a profit to their shareholders and have laid off, well, just about everyone. including me.

maybe that's not good news. oh. right. it's not. damn.

---

later

---

dunno why, but it sometimes takes blogger 4+ hours to post. i come home and it's still posting.

irregardlessly.

after spending time at dunn bros coffee, i'm walking around the freezing street and i see a group of guys and i think 'they look like they're from l.a.' and one of them says "dean?"

ray luzier, who is, among being the original drummer for metal school, a stunning drummer... i mean jawdropping good is playing in a band with the two brothers from STP, robert and dean. so we stopped on the street and traded pleasantries. they're playing tomorrow at 8pm. if our shoe is cancelled, then i'll go and see 'em. if not, it will have been a serendipitious occurrence.

small world.

okay. now maybe this thing will post. fucker.

blinders off

2006-09-18T23:31:00.000-07:00

took jessie to the airport.

really miserable now.

starting to see stuff with the blinders of being a nice guy off. i'm in this depressing little room with no furniture. it's deserted here. more to come. why would you put an actor in a cell like this? stupid.

anyway.

there's this cool pub around the corner where the waitress is actually nice and they have free wi-fi and pinball. i finally got to take another kickboxing class tonight and then went to the pub and drank diet coke, ate a pizza, and did computer stuff. securityedition.com got blogged so i had about 20 orders to enter. tomorrow i have to hand write all the envelopes because we have no printer. i'm slowly redesigning deancameron.com.

i'm thinking of just shipping everything i have here and keeping a couple of shirts and a pair of pants so i can just get on the airplane and be done with it.

i don't know what the FUCK is up with blogger, but it takes 2 days to post an entry. stupid fucking piece of shit.

It's official

2006-09-17T21:31:00.000-07:00

Love Tapes is a bomb. 25 people in the house tonight.

Jessie leaves tomorrow.

Prepare for the misery.

my 2nd ever bad review

2006-09-16T17:01:00.000-07:00

apparently, some critics take the obvious route and think that actors who do movies can't do or haven't done theater. an obvious actor would point out that those critics usually write for papers in minnesota.

http://www.twincities.com/mld/twincities/15530734.htm

the first snotty critique of my work was by someone from time magazine regarding jeff spicoli. we're all moving down in the world, it seems.

maybe

2006-09-15T22:18:00.000-07:00

I hope this works. It seems much easier posting from email than the site.

I got nailed by some sort of cold/flu thing yesterday. Just in time for audiences. Man, it's been amazing. My nose full of the stuff ones nose gets full of and my throat scratchy and powerless. I slammed myself with over the counter cold stuff (no, not that holistic crap, you stupid hippies!) and that got me through thursday's preview.

Woke up this morning (blues riff!) and felt better. Walked around a balmy Minneapolis... sat at Dunn Bros coffee and read the Onion, went to GameWorks and played pinball. Took it easy. Got to the theater, dosed myself (Gatorade, sudafed, DayQuil, 600mg Ibuprofen and fresca) and listened to Jen kill them in the first act. She did great and had a great audience. They are rowdy here. It's not like L.A. where it's a "show me" attitude... (L.A. is the Show Me State... hmm.), they really get into it and want the show to be good.

I had a good show, ass well. My rob didn't follow instructions so well and the bass got untuned between when I had it in the dressing room and when i strapped it on onstage. Ah well. The show is built in a way so that stuff can work. And it did. The audience seemed to enjoy the show. They whoop and holler at the end and they gasp and say "nooooo" under their breath at the appropriate times.

Banks came and seemed to enjoy it.

Jessie, like me, feels so naked after opening night. She knows she has to hear notes from people but it's so difficult. If that stuff can wait one day... but, it can't. It's showbiz. Strap in.

Had a very sedate opening night "party". Carr y Marion were there. When Marion gets bored she starts massaging, so it's good to sit next to her.

Anyhoo... my wife scores again and makes me look good in the process. Now, she abandons me, goes to L.A. and picks up the shattered pieces of my split from Bukowsical. Okay, that was dramatic. She's taking over. Well... somewhere between that.

It's raining now. It's supposed to get around 40 next week.

You motherfuckers... can't wait three more weeks, can you. You have to ruin my life as soon as the wife leaves. Be that way.

Nature.

No Idea

2006-09-14T21:54:00.000-07:00

I don't know if it's me or if it's blogger who is screwing stuff up. If I knew, I'd have a nobel prize, I suppose.

the show

2006-09-13T09:03:00.000-07:00

i try to think of the money i'm making.

libertarian atheists

2006-09-11T23:04:00.000-07:00

had a terrific meal with carr and marian hagermann, a libertarian atheist couple who live here.

carr produced michael moore hates america for a bit and then moved on when it began "going republican" or something. i enjoyed the movie quite a bit... anyway...

it was really nice having a dinner with people who don't believe in ANY hippie shit, either political or spiritual and just jawboning about work and life and friends and all that good stuff.

we're all of the mind that carr should run for office somewhere. he'd be an asset to libertarians.

we both talked about the sense of shame we have when we tell people that we're libertarians because of all of the yahoos who have fucked the party up. it's so weird because the green party basically says "give me your flakes, your yahoos, your dumbshits" and have evil ideas and get all sorts of press. the libertarians have great ideas and the flakes, yahoos and dumbshits line up and fuck everything up. the real hardcore libertarians are even moving away from identifying themselves as libertarians. sad. very sad.

and yet, you four people reading this probably lean libertarian. the ideas of freedom, helping peaceful people live the way they want, searching for efficient and dynamic methods to solve problems... these are things we want. we want the world to be the best it can be. we want to guide those who want guidance and be guided by those we want to be guided by. it's pretty simple. but people focus on the edge issues like drugs and guns and the sexy stuff that makes headlines not the simple things like "a nursing home run by charities, financed privately, will take better care of the sick than one that must follow rules set by politicians."

anyway.

it's late. we have audiences wednesday. some on the crew believe these aren't real people or something. trying to figure that out. maybe they'll explain.

rock on.

weather

2006-09-11T14:57:00.000-07:00

okay.

i mean really.

four days ago, it was beautiful. sunny. a balmy 80 degrees.

then, three days ago, it was grey, windy, raining and 50.

it has not changed.

motherfuckers. this is not cool.

ingersoll

2006-09-04T13:51:00.000-07:00

robet ingersoll was one of the most popular speakers back in his day. he was a raging awesome atheist and was just eloquent and perfect.

if you go to itunes and search podcasts for ingersoll, someone has turned a bunch of his lectures/writings into audio available for free download.

if you need to brush up on your atheism or are new to it or want to learn to be a rational person with no imaginary friends, it's right there. just for you.

this link might work

football - with flags

2006-08-31T23:10:00.000-07:00

the nfl flag football spot is being aired. that is good.

i'm having the confidence crisis we all knew was coming regarding love tapes.

don't be a fucking actor.

maul of america

2006-08-28T17:48:00.000-07:00

when i was a stupid young hippie actor, i thought that the term "the mauling of america" was so fucking clever. get it? the united states is being turned into one big fucking mall. everything's the same; we're doomed to homogeny.

what we overlook when we say shit like "it's sad when people in small towns have the same stores we have in big cities" is how condescending (that means "talk down to") and classist that is.

when i was a kid (listen up, you little ones!) in oklahoma, there was stuff they had in california that we couldn't get. food, clothes, stuff like that. the stuff they had in santa barbara was better. that's it. it was just better stuff. and we didn't have it. and it was only 1400 miles away. i'd visit my dad in santa barbara in the summers and they had cooler shit. better record stores. better supermarkets. better movie theaters. norman had a good barbecue place. okay. neat.

but the hippies think that little towns are "charming" with their one shitty restaurant and "local" fruits and vegetables. and it is charming when you're driving through the little town; it's not charming when you're living there. it sucks. it sucks so bad you can't believe it. and since the people who live there aren't rich, middle class hippies like you and me, they can't just move to where the cool stuff is.

and yes, they can co-exist. if the place is good and serves yummy food, it will survive.

oh boy did i just go off on a libertarian rant? odd.

so, while in minnesota, one must visit the mall of america. the largest mall in the world. and it is fucking large. there are three rollercoasters in the middle of it. rollercoasters. plus a bunch of other rides.

jessie bet me $5 that they had at least 5 starbucks. sadly, there were only two. ah well. i win five bucks!

the place is insanely large. i mean, you know, it's the largest mall in the world. there are three floors of mall stores in an oval around the middle "theme park" area. the theme being "puke up that hot dog on a stick, churro and pretzel", i suppose.

i guess they had every mall store you could have because there were a couple of Gaps. So what that means to me is that they had to start from 1 again. every franchise ever created was represented, but they had even more space so they called the Gap and said "we've got another 3000 square feet... you want 'em?"

it's divided in to north, south, east and west. if you are a mall walker (i saw at least one!), you should be in great shape. it has to be at least a quarter mile around. maybe more. dunno. it's amazing.

we only made the first floor. that's how big it is.

we will be going back.

there is a light rail train that runs from downtown minneapolis to the mall of america. it only takes about 30-45 minutes. pretty fucking cool, people.

so that's what we did on our day off. i made it back in time to catch 45 minutes of kickboxing.

penn gets in tomorrow and we're going to the mini-soda state fair. it's the largest fair in the country, i think. maybe i'm wrong. but i think it is.

then, wednesday, he watches me mangle his play.

jessie gave me a great note the other day that i'd forgotten about: carl doesn't hate himself as much as i hate myself. it changed everything. i'd totally forgotten that part. carl is a happy guy.

speaking of isolated and lonely. i feel isolated and lonely here. and that's with my wife here. wait until she leaves.

doomed.

i realized that today is the final day of the fringe in edinburgh. man. maybe it's just august. wherever i am at the end of august i get bummed out. summer is ending, after all, and that's my favorite time of the year.

hmmm.

well. at least the play is in good shape. really good. jen is killing. the re-write on scene six has made it much easier to navigate. it's still a difficult scene, but difficult in the good way.

hmmm.

the mall of america sure is a neat place.