unemployment

I don't think I've ever been this happy and sad to be done with something.

I've been lucky in that most of the stuff I've done has been somewhat successful... for me. Maybe gratifying is a better word, but I count success as something that's gratifying. If I was making 1/2 a million bucks a year doing staged readings of Miracle Beach, I wouldn't call that successful. Money is not what defines it. If I accomplish something... grow... learn... become a better person... become better at something.. those are things that are part of my definition of success.

So this has not been a success. In numbers, too. It's been extremely not a success... but for me, personally, I haven't gotten better. I've only "gotten by" and that sucks Borat's sweaty ballsac.

It has been my experience that there is usually some sort of payoff for the heavy lifting one does. It's not a spiritual thing, it's just that if you focus and concentrate on something, it's noticed, etc.

When I was miserable in Edinburgh the first time, I knew that there was going to be some payoff from the work we were doing there; we had a run scheduled in L.A. right afterwards and we were getting good reviews and larger audiences and the notice of the people you want to notice those things and it was going to pay off into the L.A. run.

Love Tapes requires a lot of heavy emotional lifting and, during the first production of it, the success of the show was what Julie and I got for the work. It was gratifying and having folks come and see it and tell others that they should come and see it was a good thing. We even extended, I think, though that may have been a bit premature. I think the last week the show sorta fizzled... but... there was a recognition of the work.

I literally feel now that I don't know how to act. I think we baffled the audience. I think I baffled them.

I've noticed, though, that many people here are mean. I think living in cold makes people mean. Passive/aggressive. I notice it because I am certainly passive/aggressive. Perhaps people don't like seeing love stories. Or, maybe we sucked. Maybe the show sucks. I do not know. I just know that I have never felt this at sea doing something. It's depressing. I mean, it always is; finishing a show.

I talked to some people after a show once and they were a little drunk and they slowly started getting mean to me. In this weird way that I didn't notice until we were just about finished talking. I think some people like being mean to people who have been in movies. It might be a personal victory. I don't even think they know why or that they're even doing it, but it sure gets obvious really fast. And, disappointing. Obvious is disappointing.

This is a weird thing to reveal: This used to happen much more when I was younger, but it's been pointed out to me by more than a couple of friends that heterosexual men get attracted to me. Then, because they have these weird feelings, they start getting really, really, really mean to me. In a way that they think is jokey, but if you're receiving it, or if you're watching it, it is astounding.

So, that happens to me also sometimes with people who have seen me in movies, of know that I used to be in movies. They start insulting the stuff I've done. Making "funny comments" about the crappy movies I've been in. As if I wasn't aware that Ski School might suck. But the thing I always try to remember is that I got paid a bunch of money to be in Ski School and they wasted their precious lives watching it. Or thinking about it. Or trying to make a funny comment to me about it. I can't help it if they haven't seen the good movies I've been in. Most people haven't, because Ski School does well on the cable channels or something. I don't know how they rate that stuff. Maybe HBO got those movies for free and they can show 'em. It seems silly to me, when there are so many great movies, that someone would show Ski School or Summer School on their channel.

Other people like them. I'm with 'em. I enjoyed Beerfest. It was probably better than All The King's Men. I could probably guarantee that. I bet ski school was better than All The King's Men. So, if you're watching Ski School and you like it, good for you. I had a fine time making it, it was the work that I could get and I did the best I could with it.

So, someone has these new feelings they don't know how to deal with so they get mean... hostile... snippy.

Oh... another tangent, this is really funny: I loathe myspace. And my profile on myspace has a long angry rant about why. (I am, of course, in the minority as myspace is extremely popular and tightcircle well...) So... Every couple of weeks when I want to "test the bruise", I check myspace to see who is stalking me, sending friend requests, etc.. I often get very nice notes. Sometimes people try to be "funny" and ironic and it's just that obvious thing I mentioned earlier... If I mean so little to you, why did you then look me up on myspace, read my essay and then write me a note? So... A death metal band found me and did a friend request thingy. A DEATH METAL band, people... and the guy wrote something like "Dude, your rant is so bitter. Never mind. Delete the request." If it's a joke, the guy is a genius.

I think it might not be a joke.

A death metal band. Too bitter for them.

Back to the matter at hand... So... people pull that shit. Which, you know, is better than being in a position where people say "Could I see a dessert menu?" to me.

There.. I'm back.

Tonight, it smelled like someone crapped in the audience. Literally. It smelled of shit. Maybe it was my work come to life, finally. Or maybe someone let off a prank stink bomb. Or maybe it was that show in the theater underneath us wafting up. There was an area cleared out; maybe someone did poo. It really smelled awful. I was actually looking forward to bringing out the air freshener at the end of my 2nd scene.

It didn't help.

I had so much hope for this.

Hi diddly dee... the actor's life for me.

Hmmm.

In 24 hours, my plane will be in the air and I'll probably be crying.