i'd forgotten

so i had an audition today. i don't think this is going to be a blog about an actor going on auditions because if they continue to be like this i'm just going to stop. there is really no point.


i'd forgotten how much auditioning for tv shows sucks. it really is just awful. the director didn't make eye contact and was fidgeting. a producer's phone went off during the reading. the casting person aks questions when you come in that they don't give a fuck about. and i let allll that crap get in my head and fuck with me and make me remember why i hate being an actor so much; because i want these people to like me. and i do not like them at all because they treat people poorly. they treat creative, talented people who work hard to do good work like shit. and wanting those type of people to like you will fuck you up.

i just wanted to stop after the first scene and leave. i'm sure they did, too.

and then it just fucks up your day because you hate yourself for caring and you think you're a shitty actor which, if you were judged by those 2 minutes (and you are) you are a shitty actor.

at least with commercials, you know that you are meat, but you don't have to invest any of yourself in it. with tv you do. i mean, the part was a guy who drives a truck through the window of a home loan place. how perfect is that part for me right now in this moment of my life? hmm? none more. none more perfect.

and yet, i couldn't connect to it and let people who i don't want to hang out with form opinions about me.

and you know, there were three other guys there who could all do the part just as well. we are all fine. and they should just have us golf for the part or something.

it's just a silly thing. man, it gets me feeling shitty.

so then, the loan guy who is not the sag/aftra loan person called. i had written him an email saying that if he could get our payment below a certain amount, i would suck off a dog in public. so he calls.

"do you have a dog in mind that you're going to suck off?"

so that was good news. it's especially good news because the sag/aftra loan person is having us lie on our documents. it seems a) wrong and 2) unnecessary

so it will be nice to never return her calls.

if you're the sag/aftra loan person and you're reading this: sucks to be you!

then i went to a commercial audition and was treated like the meat i am.

plus, i have a bunch of stuff to code for skilljam.

oh... this is funny. someone replied to one of the blog posts asking me to contact customer service for them. um. go to maps.google.com and type in skilljam.com and it will give you the phone number.