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Thursday, March 06, 2008

make money on the internet, aks me how!

Hippies will tell you that the big bad evil drug companies aka 'big pharma' will lie and cheat and use deceptive practices to sell you their evil drugs but don't understand that the natural medicines aka poppycock aka homeopathy use the most deceptive tactic which is 'you will probably get better if it's not serious'.

So, when you ingest their magical water, you get better. And, since it's magical water, you don't feel anything like you do with NyQuil which doesn't make you better, it just makes you wasted so you don't care how crappy you feel. Since you don't feel anything you call it 'non-invasive'. The truth is, it's so non-invasive that there's no invasion. There's not even an army. I just extended that too far. Sorry.

Where was I? I'm talking about Airborne, one of the most recent bits of poppycock to hit the stands.

They just got spanked after being investigated for their claim that it cured colds or if you took it when you feel a cold coming on, you'd feel better within 3 days.

I'll get to the cool part in a second, but let's look at the claim, first.

If you feel a cold coming on... a mild cold, you're going to feel differently in three days. You may feel worse, but if it's a mild cold, you'll feel better. Either way, the poppycock is counting on you not remembering the miss; the feeling worse part, but you will most definitely remember feeling better if you've taken something. It's called a confirmation bias which means you will remember the stuff that confirms your beliefs. You'd also probably allow a couple days. If you felt better after 4 days, you'd give Airborne the credit.

Airborne's claim isn't that amazing.

If you began to feel sick, came over to my home and I put on a heavy pair of boots with some dull spikes on the top, hauled back and kicked you in the crotch as hard as humanly (not to be confused with humanely) possible, your cold would be gone within a week. Your cold symptoms would begin clearing up within a few days.

Yes, your teeth would still be chattering from the pain and you'd label my brand of medicine as ultra-invasive, but your wussified little cold wouldn't seem so bad and it would be clearing up, too.

I've digressed. And how.

Airborne is currently shelling out over 23 MILLION BUCKS because their claims are misleading. They're still going to be able to sell their magic nothing but the word COLD is going to be conspicuously absent from the package.

The ballsiest thing they did was say that they did a double blind, placebo controlled study but the company who did the study was a two person organization formed to do the study. The study was on the two guys who did the study. ABC News says "There was no clinic, no scientist and no doctors."

That, my friends, is award winning ballsiness!

What is maddening is that if Pfizer had done this sort of thing, hippies would be losing their minds, storming the offices of the FDA (who I'm not a fan of, make no mistake) while screaming "YOU KILL CHILDREN! YOU WANT CHILDREN TO DIE!!! YOU HATE CHILDREN! YOU ARE A NAZI PEDOPHILE WHO HATES CHILDREN!!!" or some other statement.

I skimmed over the messages on ABC until I felt my brain turning to mush and apparently, the presence of 'Big Pharma' is, by its very nature deceptive and evil, but when a tiny independent company like Airborne actually do something deceptive, it's okay.

Sure, Airborne brings in 200 million bucks a year, but that's nothing compared to 'Big Pharma'.

Well, here's my 'two wrongs make a right solution':

Airborne has been ordered to refund 23 million dollars. If you don't have a receipt, you can still claim up to 6 boxes @ 10.50 each.

I am. Maybe you'll lie and cheat with me. I'm embarassed and ashamed but I think an extra 70 bucks will be nice. Actually, I have a couple of addresses, so it's probably going to be more like 140 bucks. I think the IIG or randi.org might be getting some cash.

It just depends on how long I GET MY SETTLEMENT!!!! I WANT MY SETTLEMENT!!!



Anonymous Biff the Bartender said...

Damn Blooger.com... Now I have to retype all this...

The crux of the issue is how much one trusts the FDA. If you don't care what the Feds think, then seeing a disclaimer like, "These claims have not been verified by the FDA..." blah blah, won't matter. To some, that'll be a damn big red flag. HOWEVER, when the FDA screws the pooch, as they are wont to do every so often (see Vioxx, PhenFen?, and others I can't think of right now), what do you do? Hell, the FDA has approved a drug for Jimmy Leg!!! Then, you at least have somewhere to direct your ire.

I guess what I mean is... Airborne and poppycock, no verification, buyer beware. Other stuff the docs want you take, verification that may be monetarily motivated, buyer beware. Myself? Nicotine and caffeine are the best drugs. Haven't been sick in years!

4:34 PM  
Blogger mister snickers said...

I think you're saying "buyer beware" and yes. I agree.

I also think (remember, I'm in SAG, so I'm probably a moron) that a standardized measure *like* the FDA is a good thing. Then one can make informed decisions based on that constant.

If one is convinced that the FDA are evil and helped the Bilderbergers fly planes into the WTC then you may not pay any attention to them and take lots of herbs.

I prefer the FDA over advertisements, myself. I would hope they wouldn't take so long to approve stuff... that's my beef.

I want the people who believe in herbal remedies and getting back to nature to do that. So much. I hope that's all they do. Keep taking your roots, nature lovers! Count on Gaia to heal you! Let your mother earth cure that tumor. (But take your kids to a real doctor, okay?)

Regardless...I'm a big fan of the Caffeine myself. I used to be a big nicotine fan, but I never win. I'm a quitter. I'm a damned quitter.

5:05 PM  
Blogger mister snickers said...

9. When will I get my check?

The timing is not set at this time because the Settlement has not been approved. The Court will hold a hearing on June 16, 2008, at 10:00 a.m., to decide whether to approve the Settlement. If the Court approves the Settlement, there may be appeals. The appeal process can take time, and in some cases appeals have taken more than a year to resolve. If there is an appeal, no claims will be paid until it is resolved and the Settlement receives final approval by the Court. After the appeal process, if any, expires or is exhausted, your Settlement check will be mailed to you within 30 days of the later of such occurrences.

5:09 PM  
Anonymous Biff the Bartender said...

The fact that the FDA can be so beholden to party and money is frustrating... How long did RU-480 sit on the prescription only ledge? Or why do some things take so long to approve, while others sail through with no problem, only to get recalled soon after. Ho hum.

When you get up here to Vegas, let me know... Stop by the bar and have a jello shot or three.

Gotta get set up for the Wire finale... I'm glad I didn't take the bittorrent bait and watch it early.

4:44 PM  

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