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Friday, April 04, 2008

oprah and fiends


I often do this thing called "testing the bruise".

I think about something that hurts to see how much it hurts. 

When I was dragging through the mud of a really rotten breakup, I would think about her in many combinations of other guys, etc. That's when I came up with testing the bruise.

So, to test the bruise in my tolerance of bullshit, I listen to Oprah and Friends aka Oprah and Fiends on XM Radio. One is treated to a stream of diarrhea-like bullshit nearly 24 hours a day. A course in miracles, some asshole making people feel bad because their closets aren't organized and the big O herself with a cock named Eckhard Tolle. 

Apparently, he's written some life-changing book and they're doing a ten week series consisting of Oprah and Adolph Tolle going through all the chapters of his book.

What it really is, mainly, is two stoners sitting around reading Richard Bach and doing bong hits. (I have first hand information about what this is like, by the way). The Tolle guy will spout some aphorism and she'll "translate". 

Remember the scene in Animal House?
"... you mean there could be an entire universe inside my thumbnail?" 
That's basically what the hour consists of. 

Today, on "testing the bruise", they talked about being present and in the now and how if you were present or in the now, the future and the past became unimportant. And then, Oprah and Adolph immediately began talking about the past, how not being present in the past was bad, and the future... how they could use this principle to handle situations in the future. This coming on the heels of living in a way that you wouldn't know what the future held. "The next time you're at a family gathering and your sister begins giving you a hard time..." that sort of thing...

It completely killed my robot.

One of the things that assholes do is create their own language and this asshole is no different. He talks about the "Pain Body" and then... fuck, I don't fucking know... some bullshit.

You know, I'm all for self examination... I AM BLOGGING, FOR FUCKS SAKE, RIGHT? So I don't mind being self-indulgent. OBVIOUSLY. But... I'm not as big of an asshole as that asshole.

A woman called to basically aks permission to mourn the death of her father six years ago. Asshole Tolle said something like "you sound like you're dealing with it in a healthy way..." and I knew he was a dick. 

Back to the matter at hand... making up bullshit.

Assholes do this thing. They put words together in interesting ways and it's mistaken for being enlightening. All they're doing is poetry... using the language in an interesting way. But if you're bored with your life or stoned or trying to sell books, it's spiritual.

So, at dinner tonight, with the help of the bride, I wrote the following things for you fine people to think about to get your miserable lives back on track. Okay? You can paypal the money to dean at mightycheese dotcom, okay?

Here we go, my flock:
Choose the colors of your silences.

Remove the objects you've attached to your fears.

True happiness lies in the distance between breaths.

Knowledge isn't the vocation of happiness, it's the location of happiness.

Wisdom doesn't lie in the faith of knowledge. Wisdom lies in the knowledge of faith.

We become more human when we discover the value of change.

You are capable of outstanding if you are capable of understanding.

The value of change is priceless and yet change is free.

Removing "all" from challenge leaves you with "change". The extra e is for extra pee.
(that's for those who remember channel j)

To lead an exceptional life, we must follow an exceptional path.

variations:
To lead an exceptional life, we must follow an exceptional leader.
To lead an exceptional life, we must lead with no exception. 

Life is about the grace of the approach and the approach of grace.

Your eyes will only deceive if your eyes are unable to receive.

Learning lies in the choices you make with your time and what time makes of your choices.

When we are passionate about our grace, we will gracefully discover our passion.

Expect the appearance of miracles where you accept the appearance of miracles.
I feel dirty.

It's so easy and the fucked thing is that when I look at some of them, I think "hey, that's pretty good..."

I forgot this..

I sorta made fun of this in a movie a long time ago: "It's not how far you go, it's how go you far." AHEAD OF MY FUCKING TIME!!! I'M LIVING IN THE PAST!!! HOW IS THAT GOING TO AFFECT MY FUTURE!!!! SAVE ME, OPRAH!!!!

I'll send you Kool-Aid for 10 bucks. dean at mightycheese dot com


2 Comments:

Blogger CookieDuster said...

They read like fortune cookies, but then leave a bad taste.

1:46 PM  
Blogger ChuckEye said...

Nice. I've been playing with William S. Burroughs styled "cut-ups" lately. Jamie Zawinski (jwz.org) has software that can string together random words based on their commonality as pairings in source text you feed it. So, of course, I fed it Crowley & other occult and masonic crap. I fed it Milton & Dante. I fed it David Mamet and Quentin Tarantino. I fed it porn. The results were... amusing. And not that different than some of the stuff you have.

(There's a great band from the Houston area called The Judy's who's anthem in the 80's was a nice pop ditty called "Guyana Punch". The Kool Aide is good.)

1:54 PM  

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