hello there

Wednesday, November 30, 2005


as expected, the guy at al y ed's seemed surprised that i'd want to see the display of my ipod when i was using it. gee. "but you just make the playlists..."

long annoying story shorter and still annoying.

travel to radio shack and buy a little stereo splitter cable. xm inserted in to one. ipod in to the other. the one going to the ipod has a 6000 foot cable so it looks like shit right now, but who cares, really when spending a shitload of money on something with features you don't use. right? right? hey, what the fuck. let's fuck that asshole. he's a middle aged white guy. asshole probably deserves it.

drove an hour in traffic to panorama city (where dreams go to die) to look at a 475k slum. it was so fucking awful that i just walked out while the owners were showing me the features. for example, it had a bathroom with a toilet and a shower/tub. i turned to the agent and said "i'm not buying this piece of shit. are you?" and left. at least he had further to drive in the stupid traffic.

i'll be glad when the people pass on our crazy offer so we can get to the true joy of the holiday season.

fuck them in the neck.

next stop: bowel cancer!

more whining

today's subject: the ipod thing i got installed in my 4runner yesterday.

i've tried the two things for the ipod wot connect to the radio via radio signals, the podfreq and some other piece of shit, itrip, that doesn't work and, well, neither of them work, though the podfreq has a few more options which ultimately don't work.

i also wanted to get the xm display raised as i keep looking down at it and i don't think that's so safe, so, i broke down and went to al & ed's autosound to get something installed so i'd have a direct connection from the ipod to my ears and have the xm display mounted a bit higher so i could peripherally see the cars i run in to while i'm looking at the xm display.

they sold me something called the usa-spec. the salesman said i could control it through the radio. create 5 playlists and you can use the factory stereo. fine. i don't really use playlists, so i figured that i'd just not use that and use the ipod the way i use it now; find a band, album, etc. that i like and push play and fast forward. seems pretty obvious.

apparently, it's not obvious. apparently one is supposed to remember every song and artist one has in their ipod, put them in five playlists and operate the thing from memory. when you plug the ipod in to this thing, the ipod display doesn't work.

that's a nice song, what's it called? who is it by? i don't know. suck my dick, please.

now i have to go back and get them to take it out (said the altar boy to the pastor) and that will suck ass in the bad way.

i just want to be able to play the ipod through my car stereo with no static. how difficult is that?

the main reason for doing this is spending all savings so we can't buy a house.

speaking of that... suprisingly, they've rejected the lunatic offer of 410 and come down to 450. we're going back at 418k. this will show them that they are dealing with a crazy cheapskate who does not care. pretty spot on, eh?

fucking ipod. another reason to hate apple.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

fat, gay and old

some of these shots are incredibly good.

i look about as gay as a football bat in some of them and just as old and fat.

good thing i'm married so no one "talks".


Monday, November 28, 2005


we put in an offer on a house. it is a piece of shit house. it is a small little 2br house less than 1000 sq feet and it is in eagle rock, california. they want 469,000 dollars for this little piece of crap. so. it is an overpriced piece of crap house.

i have decided to lead a one man real estate revolution. i will single-handedly adjust the market by scaring the befuckingjesus out of these motherfuckers who think that they can aks that much money for a dog turd.

"people are offering 70,000 less than aksing price on real estate. the market is crashing!!!"

that is my plan.

i do NOT know what we plan to do if they actually accept the offer on the tiny little piece of shit house that is too far away from anywhere that is even remotely close to anything that has to do with our lives.

this is ridiculous.

the really cool thing is that no one can explain to me who is buying these pieces of shit or why, really, one would buy a home.

we rent in a very nice place. "you're throwing your money away!"

no, we are paying for comfort and convenience. you eat protein shakes or whatever you need to just stay alive, but you eat food that tastes good. it's shit in just a few hours. why waste your money on food you enjoy eating? you're throwing your money away.

we're renting here because we can't afford to buy here. that's all.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

It would be nice if...

tonight is the final night of billy the mime at sacred fools.

i will miss billy's "it would be nice if..." followed by something impossible and pointless.

i have de blues. the holidays are here and another year has gone by without me doing the things i "should" be doing.

"what are those, dean"

"oh, you know"

"why don't you do them, dean?"

"teachers were right. i don't apply myself. imagine that: my teachers in high school were right..."

It would be nice if I didn't need to sleep or eat.

Monday, November 21, 2005

good corey fun

All I aksed for was a P.A.

"no problem"

so the night before the shoe i get an email "you can pick the p.a. up tomorrow".

the fuck?

i spent all saturday in traffic completely pissed off. 2.5 hours to get to fucking torrance. i got to the theater just in time for billy to start.

then i had to assemble the fucking p.a. by myself. motherfuck. just thinking about it has pissed me off again.

never mind.

coreyoke rules so hard i can not believe it. we should be making metal skool money.

people lose their fucking minds. who doesn't want to sing with a band? especially a band fronted by two non-threatening geeks.

man, we rule. we rule more than the corey did when they were the corey. that's how much coreyoke rules.

just don't aks me to set up the fucking p.a. again.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

feeling sorry for the bad guy

A few times after the spamscam shoe, people would express concern *for* the scammers; as if I was doing something bad to them.

I am convinced it is a sort of reverse racism "those poor black people in nigeria have no choice but to turn to crime... if they bilk someone out of their life savings, the person deserves it because he is 1. stupid and b. white."

once skin color gets involved, people go nuts.

often the person who is awed by a person who is gullible enough to fall for a persistent, professional scammer has some sort of thing they believe in; god, astrology, the two party system, etc., which is complete and utter bullshit. we all fall for stuff every day. for example, i have this weird belief that i can somehow succeed in an industry where the unemployment rate is over 90%. who's the gullible idiot, eh?

irregardless... i've jumped in headfirst to some politically correct folks who are quite miffed that someone might violate a 419 scammer's intellectual property rights.


i've said it before, the guy i corresponded is free to come to the states and do the show with me and profit however he wants.

i also find it cute that they think i'm making some sort of profit from the show in the first place... if they had ANY idea.

in other news. looking at homes with chilton. he and his bride may go in with me and jessie on a duplex or more. it's such a hassle.

tomorrow is 360 at sacred fools. their annual fund raiser. i was able to pull some strings with famous friends and get some swag to auction off. coreyoke is also wrapping the evening up at 1am. should be cool. joe "corey hart" higgins can't make the show so nick "corey hart" lane is filling in on drums.

i finally put up a crappy looking web page at coreyoke.com

it's so late right now.

oh. the thornbirds are playing dec. 26th at the key club. I'll be closer to 50 than I like. darren will be closer to 40...


Monday, November 14, 2005

trader joe's should perish

I hate trader joe's. I hate the people who shop there. I hate the people who work there. The people at Ralph's or Von's are so gentle and sweet. You get to trader joe's and everyone is smug, pushy and entitled to be in front of you and stop in the middle of the aisle and talk on their phones to aks their spouse about which $1.48 bottle of wine they want.

I used to live in laurel canyon and the people there had this bucolic peaceful exterior, but they were all pig shitheads who were in a rush to get home and align their chakras and didn't care who the fuck the ran off the road to accomplish that. trader joes is laurel canyon in a store.

plus, you can't read the price labels because the dredlocked/tatooed/ponytailed/vegan assholes who work there write them in different colored inks and put them in counterintuitive places.

yes, i hate trader joe's. slightly less than erewhon. erewhon should be invaded by gangs with blowtorches.

oh... and those fucking clever brands. the mexican food is "trader jose's". hahaha hooo, oh man, they're funny. if they were really funny, the oriental food would be called "tlader joe".

the only good thing about trader joe's (other than driving by and not going inside) is that their workers aren't unionized but have better benefits and crap than union stores. but you still can't convince anyone who works there that unions are worthless.

i would only go to trader joe's to buy stuff for billy the mime. which is what i did tonight.

Saturday, November 12, 2005


the prospect of a) moving and 2) buying a home has sent me into a tailspin of darkness. i can barely move.

the main thing is that the amount that we have been approved for is quite a bit over our comfort level and it only puts us in crappy houses in crappy neighborhoods.

i'm having one of the financially best years i've had in a long long time and it does. not. fucking. matter.

when i am not in a bristling rage, i am catatonic.

motherfuckers. complete motherfucking motherfuckers.

dean, you're so lucky to be in a position to even think about buying a house!

fuck you in the neck.

that kind of attitude isn't going to help!

neither is yours. now fuck off or give me two hundred thousand dollars for a down payment you dick.

no wonder your so miserable. you have such a bad attitude.

I struggled for years to rebuild my life after the great career crash of '95 and it can't get me and my lovely bride a 2br 1ba shithole in the valley for less than half a million dollars.

oh. well, if you really apply yourself..

die. just die already...

Monday, November 07, 2005


i used to know this guy from acting class. his name was nick corri. he
was a really good actor.

apparently, he joined a cult, changed his name and has made his dream movie.

what a fucking asshole.

it is impossible to draw myself away from these two sites. like a moth to flame.

what a complete asshole.

apparantly, my old acting coach, howard fine, is a complete and utter
dick, ass well.

wow. if you don't know who you are, you will end up like this fucking idiot.



jessie said "he is led on a journey by santa?" genius.

loan orificer

went with darren (stix zadinia's brother, "jam" because stix was getting a court appointed vasectomy) to the all access magazine awards thing to get the video of the year award which means that i am an award winning director...



it's nice to be noticed. even by people with bad taste.

we got the plaques and went and ate.


just finished faxing 22 pages of financial documents to the loan lady. instead of nanowrimoing this weekend, i learnt myself alll about loans. it's so depressing.

there is a house a block and a half away from us... from the house we're renting. very similar to ours, with some cosmetic changes (pretentious green paintjob. some more landscaping. wood stuff here and there). 2br 1 bath. cottage style. big lot. nothing really special. walked up to the open house and they had one of those info sheets. pulled it out: $799,000. wadded it up and threw it at the house and walked away muttering to myself like the angry, bitter, crazy person i am.

i'm so excited to get this loan, buy an overpriced piece of shit and then have the bottom drop out of the real estate market. then i'll murder everyone. you think i'm joking? i'm not.

who is buying two bedroom homes in burbank for 800k? i'm sure they got an offer on it. it was a cute house but fuck you in the neck you motherfuckers. i mean, really. right in the fucking neck.

v.o. at cesd, then dropping photos off for marsha, then having lunch with fratkin tomorrow. haven't seen him in a few years. very excited.

800k. for an actual piece of poop. who knew!? i hope they get tumors. dickheads.

Saturday, November 05, 2005


i'm at 8802 words. it is a rambling piece of crap. it's snide and shallow and totally without reason.

good thing i'm not judging it, right?!

I actually am having fun writing it, though it takes two hours to write that much. i wrote a lot tonight because i got an idea.

it's easier to write when there's an idea. "I think i'll write about x" makes all the difference. advice: if you have the choice between "how many words left" and "ooh... i can write about that time alan rucker made me order $400 worth of room service in new york", pick the second one. unless, of course, alan rucker didn't make you order $400 of room service in new york.

did the two toshiba spots today. a :30 and a :60. enjoyable time with enjoyable folks. i thought i was going to be one of the two guys in the "sketch" part of it, but they realized that i am a genius and should be the announcer for the product.

there's something about standing alone in the booth with the producer in another city asking if i'm comfy that brings out the old warhorse has-been v.o. alcoholic guy jokes.

"I'm doin' great, bill, i just need some ice for my Scotch and I'll be right with you. these kids at this studio don't understand that i need some gol danged ice."

as i do maybe one too many of these really, genius, perfect, witty amazing bits of improvisation, i wonder if the producer is wondering if i really am a drunk so i stop too abruptly. just the way an
old warhorse has-been v.o. alcoholic guy would when he realizes that he's gone too far.

"christ, let's get this show on the road, because happy hour begins at 4pm, kid, you know of what i'm SAYING, bill?! if i get another dui, my agent's gonna crap hisself. he hates driving me to gigs."

"Lemme do another one... i spilled my drink on the script, bill."

Seeing Equus with hot asian teens and george takei tomorrow. i'm only going for the naked asian chick.

i'm so boring.

Friday, November 04, 2005


at a commercial audition yesterday, i read with rosalie mayieux who played my mom in 'outer space'. also there was david naughton who i'd worked with on my sister sam. small world.

it's so weird, when talking about the business, everyone shakes their head like showbiz was a guy they knew in high school who seemed like such a great guy but turned out to be a child rapist.

we all seem absolutely astonished that we work and that we used to work a lot. it's like we come from another planet... 'yes, my sonny jim, on earth, there was as much acting work as the day is long... roles just sitting there on trees; ripe for the pickin', laddy.... a man could work 8 or 9 weeks a year and ride around town in a wheelbarrow full of cash... tossing phone calls out to agents and managers who were all lined up on those golden streets, ready to hand you a contract and an assfull of smoke... yes, my chippy, thems were the days, alrighty!"

my "novel" is exactly where it should be after three days: sucking like a gay leech at a glory hole. what was i thinking? ah well. might ass well finish it!

Thursday, November 03, 2005

opportunities for rejection or success

I'm signing with Hervey/Grimes. They're going to send me out on t.v and movie stuff. I mean, that's the idea. we'll see if it happens. It really should. After watching this tv and seeing what's happening in movies, there seems to be no reason, besides the obvious ones, why I wouldn't be able to score a gig here and there.

As I pointed out to Marsha, the nice thing about this v.o. career is that I'm not dependent on working in t.v. or movies anymore, so I don't have to feel like a loser when I go in. Plus, it gets rid of the desperation and fear and allows one to settle down and try to do some actual work (aka turd polishing) when reading.

What a good attitude I have...

Speaking of good attitude: I am now officially an award winning director. "Fat Girl" won best All Access Magazine's Video of the year award.

I wonder if this is supposed to be a secret. Hmmm. Well. To you two people reading this, don't tell anyone until Sunday, maybe.

So, Darren and I are going to Paladino's Saturday night. Like all awards, they are stupid and ridiculous until you win one. Then they are very important.

I am happy about having an agent.

Got the forms from the sag/aftra credit person about home loans. I'm not looking forward to the depression and rage of looking at piece of shit condos and "cozy fixers" that cost half a million fucking ridiculous dollars, but i guess that's what one must do.

I'm about 500 words away from today's writing goal so I must now go and do that.

Doing a Toshiba V.O. tomorrow. Here's hoping that ends the dry spell. It's been over a month since I've done a v.o. Thank that great imaginary flaming sheep's head in the sky for Geico. Yeehaaa!

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

blech day

it's a fairly uneventful day. more organizing. i wrote 1800 words from nanowrimo.

i sure hope i keep enjoying it and looking forward to this.

man, i bet real novelists hate this sort of thing. though, maybe they don't because doing this, you realize how difficult it is to write something good.

i always feel that way, but maybe others don't.

"Oh, writing a novel... i could do that..."

no, because you have to write. that's the great writer's quote; the secret to writing is writing.

must book thornbirds' gig. must...

billy the mime

i'm producing billy the mime at sacred fools. being a producer is really just making sure the theater is clean and that people show up. neither ever happen so i run around and clean the theater and fill in for people who don't show up. there are always fires to put out and i do that while making sure that billy has no idea that everything's about to fall apart.

tonight was weird. billy's sister in law brought a little dog in a carrier. none of us knew that she had a dog with her until the dog began barking during the show. it freaked everyone out. everyone.

there was also a guy talking on his phone during the first routine.

best of all, i left the flashlight i use to activate the glow tape on stage.

after all this stuff was taken care of (dog left, guy ended his conversation, billy moved the flashlight off the stage) it was a really nice show. i realized that he could call the show "a history of love & hate" as that's exactly what it is. people doing amazing things through the years. wars, love, rape, abortion. really amazing.

there is something so oddly moving about the 9/11 routine. i am almost able to put it in to words. i need to think about it some more. it operates on some pretty fantastic levels.

billy rules.

i did the first day of nanowrimo. i blazed through 1700+ words in about an hour and a half. fairly painless. i learned from writer's boot camp how to blaze through shit when you get in your head and that's very valuable. i sure hope i stick with it. so far so good. it will be neat to have 175 pages or so of nuttiness. it's a thing i began about 5 years ago and never finished... obviously.. i never really began the thing, either, other than come up with the title and a kinda/sorta plot.

finally have an avail for a v.o. gig. it's been too long. when i heard the phone ring in the other room i said to the dog "big daddy, please let it be a voice over gig..."

big daddy made it so!

listening to david sedaris' me talk pretty one day. i like it. there's a bit of that annoying new york smug thing going on... well... not a bit of it. a whole boat load of it... but it's still nice to listen to. i like the french translations.

also may have a web client. talked to him on the phone for a bit... outlining how i work, etc. and now i need to send him some stuff so i will sign off.

billy rules.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

john perry fund


I'm the "celebrity host" for the evening. It's a great thing they do. Just great.

Plus: free heroin!


not sure what i was thinking but i signed up for national novel writing month.

i had an idea for a novel a few years back. guess i'll write it this month.